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Five Lies I’ve Told To People On Airplanes

Airports are pretty boring. They’re basically overpriced shopping malls that subject imprisoned travelers to super expensive cinnamon buns, popular books by unpopular people and really awful souvenirs. Airports are also full of people, sometimes interesting people, sometimes really boring people, but they all have some sort of back story. When flying, unlike when riding a bus, the stories people have can be a little thin. On a bus, you’re dealing with smugglers, criminal and old people. On a plane, you’re dealing with middle class business people, middle class business people and web-writers. That’s why I, when provoked, like to tell people disgusting lies as to who I am, where I’m from and why I’m going where I’m going. It’s usually only a tactic I use to keep others from talking to me. If you’d like to do the same, your best move is to make up a horrific, brief, concise backstory that will make your fellow passenger stop asking questions…

My dog died, and I’m transporting his ashes to New Hampshire.

This one is legal and common. It probably won’t lead to any follow up questions, as long as you look somber. However, if the incredibly annoying person next to you continues to prod, and asks “Oh, was New Hampshire of some sort of significance to you and your dog?” You can reply by saying “No, I’ve just sold the ashes to a witch who contacted me over craigslist. Her spell called for ‘the ashes of a bloodhound,’ and Duke was a bloodhound.”

I’m going to stop the wedding of the woman I’m in love with.

This one should work because flying to another state to stop a wedding is crazy, and nobody besides a genuine crazy person would try to talk you out of doing it. If you want to be sure the conversation isn’t continued, give your fellow passenger a little more info than they would ever want, as quickly as possible. Maybe say “She told me I was the best lover she ever had, because of how my thing is shaped, so I’m convinced she’s just marrying this other guy for the wrong reasons.”

I need to sit in the aisle seat because I gorged on airport tacos/drank too much beer.

Establishing immediately that you are going to be awkward and annoying is a wonderful way to keep people away from you. You can really sell this one if you’re sweating a little bit and looking around nervously.

I need to sit next to the window because I’m prone to panic attacks if I can’t see clouds.

This one will most likely keep people from talking to you for the same reason the previous point does. People will assume you’re needy, annoying and weird. It also gets you a window seat.

Something super racist.

This is a gamble and a move that should only be pulled in an extreme emergency. Saying something completely classless about the Indian guy two aisles over to your neighbor will result in one of two things: 1. The end of your conversation, or 2. The beginning of a really long, uncomfortable conversation. If you’re unlucky enough to get stuck near someone who genuinely feels the same way you’re pretending to feel, then you’re screwed.

 

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