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Five Lies To Tell About Your Non-Existent Tattoos

photo via buzznet.com

It’s really easy to make up great lies about things people can’t see. Like your tattoos. Unless they’re visible, what kind you have, where they’re placed and what they’re of is anybody’s guess. By making up a bunch of crap about the ink you don’t actually have, you can really paint a more fascinating picture of yourself. You can seem dangerous, scared, slutty or really old and out of touch!

You have to arrive at the topic organically. You can’t just start talking about tattoos, or the other person will smell your bullsht instantly. It helps if the other party has at least one visible tattoo, that way it may just come up on its own. If they don’t, use a tattooed passerby or something. How you start the conversation is of no real matter, just be smooth about it and feel free to use a few of my lies…

“This is kind of embarrassing, but I totally have a tramp stamp.”

The classic tramp stamp. Named so because it generally indicates an extreme willingness to put out. Most often seen on the lower backs of females, it’s a little jarring to hear about a man having one. You can steer this lie a few different ways: Either tell them you got it on a dare, or tell them you got it to send a message about gender stereotypes. If the tramp stamp is the mark of someone who’s open to boning, then why should it be limited to women? If you’re asked to show it, refuse. Just tell them it says “If you can read this, the last bitch fell off.”

“It’s a portrait of my cousin, on my hip.”

Here’s one that’ll spur some possible follow up questions. It’ll also make them say “Let me see!” So be careful. If you’re down with the follow-up questions, then say something like “Him and I are in a rap group together, now he’s serving in Iraq.” If you want to squash the conversation swiftly, instead say something like “Him and I were in a rap group together and he he was killed by a drunk driver. While serving in Iraq.”

“It’s my favorite Hemingway quote, it goes across my rib cage.”

This one will make you seem super smart and well read for a few seconds. They’ll inevitably ask you “What’s the quote?” You say “Germany will either be a world power or will not be at all.” Then, they’ll most likely give you a strange look. That’s when you reply “Did I say ‘Hemingway?’ I meant Hitler. It’s my favorite Adolf Hitler quote.”

“It’s a green and purple Yin Yang symbol. It covers my entire back.”

I literally can’t imagine any scenario where someone would pose a follow-up question to such a statement. When you announce that, prepare to be greeted with a blank look and an uncomfortable silence. You can dig a little deeper, perhaps, and maybe say something like “I got it on a dare.” or “I used to work at Hot Topic.”

“It’s the Chinese symbol for ‘F*ck Buddy’. It’s on my shoulder blade.”

Ancient Asian culture has had a great deal of influence on tasteless, contemporary American culture. If you really had a tattoo that meant “F*ck Buddy,” there’d inevitably be a regretful story behind it. “I kind of had this thing going with this girl in college and we were at spring break in Virginia Beach. I was all ‘we should get matching tats,’ she was all ‘ok.’ So that’s what we did. We got matching tattoos to symbolize our friendship. We don’t talk anymore, but every time I look in the mirror over my shoulder to pop a back zit, I’m reminded of her, and it’s kinda nice.”

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