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Five Potential Premises for JK Rowling’s New Book

JK Rowling has officially taken a leap into writing for grown-ups. I guess no more wizards and what not. Luckily, she’s been freed up by the success of the Potter franchise, so that she can focus on more personal projects. She’s got all the time and money she needs, and I’m sure this last project was written from a room the size of a house, on a MacBook made of gold. She’s decided not to divulge any information as to what the book will be about. She hasn’t even given fans a release date. While we sit and patiently wait for the movie about the book to come out (we hate reading books), we’ve been speculating on what the premise could be. Using a mix of Rowling’s history and current book trends, we’ve come up with a few possibilities:

Something about a twenty-five year old ginger werewolf

Imagine a Rupert Grint type playing a man in his twenties who turns into a werewolf at night. He’s harmless, he’s charismatic, he’s adventurous and attractive. He spends his evenings charming women, making love to them, then leaving before the sun comes up and he turns back into a ginger. When one of his lady victims accidentally discovers this, she swears she accepts him anyway, but he can’t accept her love until he truly accepts himself.

Something about a grown up nerd with super powers saving his family

Think Harry Potter, but without magic, and with two kids and a wife. The main character, we’ll call him “Dan,” has an incredible gift: Cooking. That’s right, he’s literally the best grill chef in his neighborhood. His gift is absurd but almost supernatural. He discovers that his parents were former chefs and not wanting him to suffer a similar burden, and an exhausting career, they make him avoid food service.

Something about vampires

If that pud who wrote the Twilight movies can do it, Rowling can do it ten times better. Maybe it’s about adult vampires, who are freaking out constantly about their credit scores and local taxes. That’s very adult. They eventually use their vampireness to save a children’s hospital by collecting blood, and later dying because they didn’t consume it.

Something about gaining weight

That’s a very adult problem. Kids don’t get fat, and then notice they’re getting fat. Maybe Emma Watson plays a grown woman, post-baby who has image issues. Instead of using magic to lose weight, she uses narcotics.

Something about a failing marriage, saved by magic

That’s as about adults as it gets. Rowling will probably have a difficult time steering clear of the supernatural stuff. Can’t really blame her though, it’s been her bread and butter. Maybe this book will feature a couple on the brink of divorce who visits a therapist. The therapist realizes the two won’t last, so she charges them extra for a magic elixir that makes them fall back in love. BUT THE ELIXIR FALLS INTO THE WRONG HANDS, namely the hands of the babysitter, who then falls in love with her iPhone.

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