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Five Signs That the Future Is Now

future city

As a boy, I used to sit and ponder the future, and all the technological marvels that were in store. Well my friends, the future is now. With the exception of space travel and hover cars, we might as well be living in a god-damed “Jetsons episode. Don’t believe me? Well screw you. Here are five examples that prove it.

I Own a Robot

I own a robot. In fact, I own three, but two don’t count because they are toys. The third model, on the other hand, vacuums my floors. It’s not the most intelligent thing in the world, but it does a good job, and as it lumbers across the floor, it’s reminiscent of some of the worker droids from Star Wars. Granted, that movie takes place in the past, but I digress. The future is now!

I Own a Sex Machine

When I was in my early teens, I used to pray that someone would invent a machine I could have sex with (besides a Teddy Ruxpin). I continued praying that same prayer until about three years ago, when the Fleshlight hit the market. For years, science-fiction had promised a world with Fembots, Pleasurebots, etc. And finally, science has delivered, at least on the vagina part. I’m sure the rest of the body will come with time. But honestly, do you really need the rest? In fact, if you tape your Feshlight to a Roomba, you can pretty much stop dating. The future is now!

I Have a Talking Car

Anyone who is old enough to remember “Knight Rider probably used to fantasize about being David Hasselhoff and having a cool talking car. Well, judging by the videos on Youtube where the Hoff is drunkenly dismembering a burger, I have become him. And to top it off, I do own a cool talking car. Well, it’s actually just a GPS, and instead of sounding like KITT (Knight Industries Two Thousand), it’s the voice of a British woman. But still. The future is now!

I Have a Video Phone

Well, sort of. My computer has a webcam, and Gmail and Skype both provide a video feature. And I guess you can use it on the newer iPhones, as well. In hindsight, this was a pretty stupid invention to get excited over. Why would I want someone on the other end of the phone to see that I’m not wearing pants? If I wanted that, I’d just go to ChatRoulette. The future is now!

There’s Black President

When I was a boy, if you would have asked the question, “What will come first: a black president, or a hover car? I would have guessed the hover car. Well, I would have been wrong. The unthinkable happened, and out of all the things on this list, it’s the most surprising. Now I guess there’s nothing left to look forward to, except maybe the election of our first successful black president. The future is now!

5 Responses to "Five Signs That the Future Is Now"

  1. H8er says:

    I agree 100%.

    Now what the fuck is wrong with the web site. It’s all jacked up.

  2. Wilford Brimley's Monkey says:

    very insightful. also

    “I used to pray that someone would invent a machine I could have sex with (besides a Teddy Ruxpin”