Five Things I’m Pretty Sure I Did On New Year’s Eve

2011 was kind of a dick to me, so I wasn’t too upset to see it go. As a matter of fact, I celebrated its departure in a pretty epic manner. I was all like “2011, I don’t need you!” Then I told it to pack its things and be out by midnight. To mourn the loss of the previous year, and to fast forward the grieving process, I filled my guts and lungs with substances that enable time travel. While I was traveling through time at the speed of red bull bombs, my vision was blurred and my memory became cloudy. When I arrived in the future, I made an attempt to figure out how I got there and what happened while I was in mental transit. The following is a list of things I’m pretty sure I did on New Year’s Eve…

I yelled at some people

I did a lot of yelling. Again, the intensity of time travel exerts an enormous force on the human body. In some cases, the force is so great that it caused me to yell insults at people I thought were looking at me wrong.

I had ribs and mac n’ cheese for dinner

This I’m sure of, because I remember at one point, my body wasn’t dealing well with the speed of time travel. Tearing the fabric of time and shooting into the future put such a strain on my body that I threw up on the sidewalk. What I left behind looked like ribs and mac n’ cheese. I guess it could’ve been a hot pocket, or a cheesesteak though.

I hugged a bunch of people way too heartily

I’m a hearty hugger, from what I can piece together, I was being extra hearty on New Year’s Eve. I have to assume that it was yet another side effect of time travel.

I sent fourteen inappropriate text messages

And I sent them all to one person. In the span of twenty-three minutes. Because I was literally existing in a different dimension than everyone around me (including the recipient of the texts), minutes became hours. Like when you’re going so fast, it feels like you’ve slowed down. It’s a phenomenon that only serious time travelers and astronauts understand. As for why they were inappropriate, well. They just were.

I cried four times

Traveling at super human velocity also sends one through an accelerated, intensified range of emotions. I considered my crying fits perfectly natural. I’m not sure what triggered all four of them, but I know at least two of them happened each time someone took the chips and dip away from me.