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Five Video Game Weapons More Terrifying Than the Navy’s New Electromagnetic Rail Gun


(via CBS News)

By Jared Jones

No, the weapon seen in the video above is not the Annihilator 2000, nor was it created in the hellish, robot-dominated future of the Terminator films and sent back in time to prepare humans for the oncoming war. Unveiled by Skynet the Navy last week, the high-tech, super secret weapon seen above is actually called an electromagnetic rail gun, and according to the pretty news lady, it “could dramatically change the way America fights wars.”

Firing projectiles at Mach 7 that cost just $25,000 to make, the rail gun has been in development for years and could land on Navy vessels as early as 2016. As luck would have it, the robot revolution that will cleanse this Earth of all humanity is set to begin shortly thereafter. But despite being one of the most ingenious and pants-shittingly terrifying weapons to hit the arms-market in decades, the rail gun doesn’t hold a candle to the weapons of mass destruction dreamed up by video game enthusiasts/creators each and every day. Weapons like…

The Rail Gun — Quake 2

OK, let’s start with the obvious.

Whether they’ll admit it or not, the folks behind the Navy’s newest toy were clearly inspired by the gun of the same name made popular in the Quake series, and specifically Quake 2. I mean, sure, the Quake version fires uranium slugs, whereas the Navy’s rail gun fires a 23-pound projectile, and sure, the Quake railgun is more a carriable rifle than an anti-aircraft rocket launcher propelled by an electromagnetic force, but other than that THEY’RE PRACTICALLY THE SAME THING.

The RC-P90 — GoldenEye 64

Ah yes, the greatest weapon from the greatest first-person shooter of all time.

With a stock 80-round clip, ultra-sleek design and lightning fast reloading capabilities, the RC-P90 is the pinnacle of automatic weapons and an absolute death machine when placed in the hands of even the most novice GoldenEye player. Like a blunderbuss on bath salts, the RC-P90 does not “shoot” so much as it “sprays,” painting the walls of whatever room you find yourself in with a Jackson Pollock-esque amalgamation of blood and bullets. Did I mention it can shoot through doors? It can shoot through doors.

Perhaps even more terrifying than the fictional fan favorite is the real-life gun it’s based upon: the FN P90 first used by the Belgian Special Forces in the Gulf War. If you’re the kind of person who enjoys having a leg up on your competition in GoldenEye multiplayer mode, select “Oddjob” as your character, turn on the double RC-P90 cheat, and watch your friends topple like felled oaks. Then again, anyone who would break the sacred Bond code by setting such stipulations is a sadist who has likely alienated what few friends he had to begin with.

The Farsight XR-20 — Perfect Dark

Speaking of a gun that can shoot through doors, walls, and pretty much any damn thing placed in front of it, Perfect Dark’s Farsight XR-20 is essentially the video game equivalent of the EM-1 Railgun used in the 1996 Vanessa Williams vehicle Eraser. Capable of not only killing your opponent with a single shot, but tracking down that opponent from two, three, or even four rooms away using infrared sensors or some such alien voodoo magic, the Farsight XR-20 is not unlike the One Ring, in that it is a technology too powerful to be possessed by any living creature, let alone your seven year old cousin who insists on punishing your video game ineptitude at each and every semi-annual family party. Seriously, f*ck you, Kyle.

The Cerebral Bore — Turok 2

I’m sorry…did that thing just…shoot a bug…into…a velociraptor’s skull…

The Fireball — Super Mario

HOLY EFF DID YOU JUST SEE THAT SHIT BRO.

At the end of the day, a weapon is only as good as the means it takes to obtain it, and in that respect, Mario’s fireball stands atop them all. While I won’t claim to understand the science of how ingesting a glowing flower can lead to anything other than radiation poisoning and eventually cancer, I do know that the fireball turns a once harmless plumber into a tyrannical madman with a lust for turtle blood in the Mario universe and deserves its due credit. The fireball may not be the flashiest weapon on this list, nor the most terrifying (if you don’t tremble at the thought of being burned alive, that is), but it was the original one-hit killer that undoubtedly inspired them all. And for that, we give praise.

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