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Fleshlight Releases Four Fake Vaginas Inspired By Movie Monsters, Just In Time For Halloween

Freaks

 

Are you tired of having lonely sex with the same old rubber replica of a human female’s vagina? Do you feel your sexual appetite has evolved pasted the anatomical limitations of the human body? Would you like to f*ck a cyborg’s poon? Who wouldn’t?!

The wonderful folks over at Fleshlight are forever changing the way men make love to synthetic lady parts. They aren’t doing it by getting fancy and adding an array of whirligigs and doo-dads that add more physical pleasure, they’re doing it by pleasuring your imagination through the wonders of casted molds. Specifically, they are finally allowing you, the horny male that really wants to bang figments of imagination, to bang figments of imagination. Cyborgs, zombies, Draculas, and Frankensteins make up Fleshlight’s new special edition line of Halloween-themed sex toys.

We can’t really show you the fake vaginas on the main page of the site, but join after the jump for the weirdness.

Drac

Drac

Honestly, I thought it was a dragon’s vagina when I first saw it. After I thought that, I wondered why I thought that. After some deep introspection, I realized I’m disgusting because I have a very clear idea as to what a dragon’s vagina should look like, and I don’t know why. All I know is, I don’t look at the…thing above and think “Oh, that’s a Dracula’s cooter!” I guess it was the wispy, leathery flaps that fooled me in to thinking it was the vagina of another mythical creatu– I have never typed anything as bizarre this sentence in my life.

I’m a bit disappointed in the vampire vagina model, mostly because I was hoping it would look like this:

vampire-teeth

Best Line From The Fleshbot.com Review: “Sadly, Drac’s insides aren’t as interesting as its vulva.”

Cyborg

Cyborg

If you were to build a cyborg out of some dead human tissue and some toaster parts, would you make the vagina look robotic? Wouldn’t the point of such a creature be to mimic human interaction as closely as possible, both physically and emotionally, to minimize the loneliness one is filled with when they are reduced to having sex with something that isn’t quite a machine but isn’t really human either? Would the cyborg actually enjoy the sex, or would it be filled with prerecorded audio cues? Could you actually look it in the eyes and feel love, or would there be nothing but a thousand-yard stare?

These are the questions you will never think about as you wedge this rubber thing between your mattress and your box spring and plow your bed.

Best Lines From The Fleshbot.com Review:

“Conceptually, the cyborg vagina is the easiest to fuck.”

“it hit my frenulum just so.”

“You know that a masturbation sleeve is good when you forget to fuck the last few inches of it.”

Zombie

Zombie

It’s like looking in to half-empty can of Spaghetti-Os. Or maybe it’s like the contents of a neglected Arby’s trash bin? I don’t know. It’s one of those two.

Best Lines From The Fleshbot.com Review:

Sigh. So, anyway, I had sex with this.”

“I, for one, found that it feels best when you bang this monster slowly (George Romero style)”

Frankenstein

Frankenstein

This is what happens when David Lynch has a f*cked up, artsy Ambien-induced dream after watching a baseball game.

Best Line From The Fleshbot.com Review:

“Mary Shelley would be stoked to discover that people are reading her most famous novel by masturbating with a giant toy that makes loud gushing sounds.”

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