Best Man Speeches are very important, and equally tricky. If they're not properly executed they can ruin weddings and reputations. With that in mind, we decided to create a helpful flowchart to guide you through the daunting task of delivering a Best Man Speech at a Wedding.
I bet a ton of people have stories like this, but I had 7 months to come up with my Best Man speech at my brother's wedding and I ended up writing it in the hot tub at 3 am still drunk from the rehearsal dinner.
By writing I of course mean rambled nonsense to myself for 45 minutes and forgot it all the next day.
There's some great video footage of me writing on stolen Kleenex in the limo after the ceremony and used napkins early on at the reception.
All it all it ended up going well and I got the requisite chuckle from people and the requisite "aw"'s when I hit the "in all seriousness" button.
Best advice is get decently greased up first (not hammered) and you'll usually be able to be honest and a little sappy without feeling self conscious, which is key.
I'm actually too wasted right now to follow the flowchart right now? I've been best man twice and they both ended badly. So fuck you guys. Can you get me the #s of those chicks in the photo of the day? I'd do them all...
I'm not saying Fuckbook isn't an asshat -- he clearly is -- but the photo of the day WAS a picture of three ass-fucking-ugly chicks with their eyes half shut. (One that Holy Taco loved so much they've posted it TWICE so far, by the way.) So I'm sorry, but his point was actually valid, and you are a gaping asshole.
this is bullshit. i got your flowchart right here, bitches.
get motherfuckin' stinkin'-ass wasted --> tap fork on glass --> mumble some shit about all the chicks the groom has fucked --> go into explicit detail about the many occasions on which you've licked the bride's asshole and fisted her pussy before fucking the shit out of her --> whip your dick out --> ask the bride's mother when the last time was she saw one of THESE --> rip bride's dress off --> fuck her in the ass in front of the whole fucking wedding party --> make sure the photographer gets a shot of the half-inch coat of semen dripping from her face, snatch and bleeding asshole --> eat --> fuck bride again in the manner described above --> repeat, substituting bridesmaids.
try that and tell me it's not the best fucking speech ever.
I've heard hundreds of toasts in my job as a wedding DJ and this chart nails it. FYI: Worst toast ever - "A lot of marriages don't last these days, but I know Jimmy and he'll stick with it. Cheers." About an hour later, Jimmy picked a fight with the bartender and shut down the reception. I wonder if they stuck it out?
true story, my cousin banged the bride b4 she met the groom, started saying "ive always been like an older brother to the groom, he has done his best to follow my lead , which lead to between his wifes legs and the birth of their first child, and ultimately this wedding, because we all know it is just because they had a kid together, not because they love each other. Your welcome (insert name), without my lead you wouldnt be where you are today."
obviously not word for word but you get the jist, he was shit faced and had speech A and speech B, i guess he felt like the situation called for speach B.
(24 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
June 17th, 2009 at 12:47 pm
FIRST
November 3rd, 2009 at 06:51 am
fuck you, fag!
June 17th, 2009 at 01:06 pm
I bet a ton of people have stories like this, but I had 7 months to come up with my Best Man speech at my brother's wedding and I ended up writing it in the hot tub at 3 am still drunk from the rehearsal dinner.
By writing I of course mean rambled nonsense to myself for 45 minutes and forgot it all the next day.
There's some great video footage of me writing on stolen Kleenex in the limo after the ceremony and used napkins early on at the reception.
All it all it ended up going well and I got the requisite chuckle from people and the requisite "aw"'s when I hit the "in all seriousness" button.
Best advice is get decently greased up first (not hammered) and you'll usually be able to be honest and a little sappy without feeling self conscious, which is key.
Cheers!
June 17th, 2009 at 04:50 pm
I'm actually too wasted right now to follow the flowchart right now? I've been best man twice and they both ended badly. So fuck you guys. Can you get me the #s of those chicks in the photo of the day? I'd do them all...
June 17th, 2009 at 06:17 pm
You may have been too drunk to notice Fuckbook, but the picture of the day is of a little kid..... I can get you his number though.
June 17th, 2009 at 08:28 pm
I'm not saying Fuckbook isn't an asshat -- he clearly is -- but the photo of the day WAS a picture of three ass-fucking-ugly chicks with their eyes half shut. (One that Holy Taco loved so much they've posted it TWICE so far, by the way.) So I'm sorry, but his point was actually valid, and you are a gaping asshole.
June 17th, 2009 at 08:33 pm
this is bullshit. i got your flowchart right here, bitches.
get motherfuckin' stinkin'-ass wasted --> tap fork on glass --> mumble some shit about all the chicks the groom has fucked --> go into explicit detail about the many occasions on which you've licked the bride's asshole and fisted her pussy before fucking the shit out of her --> whip your dick out --> ask the bride's mother when the last time was she saw one of THESE --> rip bride's dress off --> fuck her in the ass in front of the whole fucking wedding party --> make sure the photographer gets a shot of the half-inch coat of semen dripping from her face, snatch and bleeding asshole --> eat --> fuck bride again in the manner described above --> repeat, substituting bridesmaids.
try that and tell me it's not the best fucking speech ever.
June 18th, 2009 at 01:31 am
I like your flowchart better!
June 18th, 2009 at 09:53 am
How is this a "speech" again?
June 18th, 2009 at 10:55 am
If you could fucking read, you'd see there is speaking involved. It's just mostly visual aids, that's all.
Personally, I think this is the single greatest idea of all time.
June 19th, 2009 at 03:48 am
yeah, aren't you just hardcore.
June 18th, 2009 at 12:16 am
i want to make friends
June 18th, 2009 at 01:00 am
I wish I had this flowchart when I gave my best man speech. The speech was not a raging success, but I still banged a brides maid at least.
June 19th, 2009 at 10:36 am
no you didn't
June 18th, 2009 at 01:38 am
Just say "I share everything with the groom, but I haven't told him until know that I already shared his wife-to-be, oh and she is a lousy f*ck too".
June 18th, 2009 at 03:44 am
Wow, aint it the truth!
R
www.anonymity.tk
June 18th, 2009 at 04:21 am
Get your pockmarked ass to:
http://www.FilthyRichmond.com
June 18th, 2009 at 06:45 am
hahaha
Check out the
Electronic Cigarette
June 18th, 2009 at 08:24 am
I've heard hundreds of toasts in my job as a wedding DJ and this chart nails it. FYI: Worst toast ever - "A lot of marriages don't last these days, but I know Jimmy and he'll stick with it. Cheers." About an hour later, Jimmy picked a fight with the bartender and shut down the reception. I wonder if they stuck it out?
June 18th, 2009 at 02:36 pm
How many bestmen really sleep with the bride?
--
Watch TV Online
June 18th, 2009 at 11:43 pm
bridesmaid bruh
June 18th, 2009 at 01:22 pm
Wow. Douchey!
June 19th, 2009 at 03:30 pm
true tales of the bums, panhandlers and hobos without the urine smell at www.street-people.com
August 28th, 2009 at 12:46 pm
true story, my cousin banged the bride b4 she met the groom, started saying "ive always been like an older brother to the groom, he has done his best to follow my lead , which lead to between his wifes legs and the birth of their first child, and ultimately this wedding, because we all know it is just because they had a kid together, not because they love each other. Your welcome (insert name), without my lead you wouldnt be where you are today."
obviously not word for word but you get the jist, he was shit faced and had speech A and speech B, i guess he felt like the situation called for speach B.
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