By Dustin Seibert
A female columnist for Washington State University’s school paper recently wrote a piece extolling the virtues of anal sex for women. Of course, such a column needn’t be written for men, as we figured out how awesome anal was five minutes after we discovered our dads’ tape collection.
That such a column was written by a woman is significant, as female “catchers” typically don’t go out of their way to talk about how awesome anal sex can be; usually, it’s quite the opposite. More often that not, the onus is on us men to whisper sweet nothings of “just the tip, just for a second…just to see how it feels” if we have any hope of giving the brown eye a visit.
But I don’t think anal sex should strictly be the domain of the luckiest of straight men and Tyler Perry. Ladies, if you’ve been reticent about making the “out hole” multi-purpose, you should consider the following reasons to help open your mind to opening that other opening. Trust me…I’m writing this for your benefit.
1. On the rag? No problem! – Nothing has historically shrunken more chubbies (outside of Rosie O’Donnell in “Exit to Eden”) than the devious wench that is Aunt Flo. In college, boning on a period didn’t matter as much — it was probably someone else’s bed and chances are the sheets were already in shitty shape. However, no grown-up wants a CSI crime scene on their 1,000-thread count Egyptian cotton that all the Tide in the world won’t get out. The backdoor, though? Won’t bleed. Unless you’re doing it wrong.
2. No babies, yo! – Look, every red-blooded male hates condoms with a fiery passion. It’s like putting Saran Wrap around your tongue before you enjoy a juicy steak: You might taste some of the good juices, but there’s no way you can enjoy it the way it was meant to be enjoyed. If you’re doing anal with someone you trust and with whom you’re monogamous, he can go in raw dog, you can feel his full “essence” and you don’t have to worry about the unfortunate side-effect of having to change the diapers of the spawn of some dude you aren’t even with anymore, only to look at your baby’s face in anger and be like, “You look just like yo’ gotdamn daddy!”
3. It’s a different kind of orgasm – Oh yes, it’s no lie: You can indeed have orgasms through anal play. Unfortunately, women don’t have that prostate gland that makes anal play on men intense and gratifying. (I, uhh, read about that somewhere.) But backdoor action is not just for the enjoyment of the guy. If you don’t believe me, check out this Slate article, or this Cosmopolitan column from a random 39-year-old mom. There are a few cases where women only get off through anal (we guys like to call that “the unicorn), but oftentimes, hitting that mega-O while your rear nethers are filled requires simultaneous clitoral simulation. It’s no surprise, since all those walls are so close together that bumping them against each other from time to time can make for happy feelings
4. Demand something for it – Far be it from me to advocate the use of any type of sex to get something from your guy; women do that shit far too often, as if sex is a favor for us and if we behave and eat all our vegetables and take out the trash, we can get rewarded with some cookie. But I’ll concede that poop chute probing is a bit different. Chances are, your man is salivating for the opportunity to explore your sacred booty-hole, so he’ll do just about anything to make that happen – from going down on you until he can’t feel his tongue and his cheeks look like a warm Krispy Kreme donut to buying you that pair of diamond earrings you’ve been jonesing for. Leverage the market value of your third-input, and you could come out a winner.
5. Dude, it’s naughty – The aforementioned Slate article examines the hidden effects when you do something extra-“naughty” in bed like anal sex: It’s different and adventurous, which releases the super-scientific thingamajigs in your body that drive you to have a soul-shattering orgasm and want to be more open in general. Essentially, being kinky is always good for your sex life. Whips, spiky heels, role playing, anal, watersports…they all send you to the confession booth on Sunday and keep the home fires burnin’.
(Hang in there, kitten…he’s almost done.)
6. It’s different. Embrace it – As anyone with a spouse or a long-term partner can attest to, things can get dusty in the bedroom quickly without switching shit up. Cracking open the Kama Sutra to explore the myriad angles of vaginal attack is cool and all, but you’re not getting true variety until you explore different orifices. If your sex life is kosher as is, you can keep anal as a little chestnut to explore later on down the line when the same-old sex starts becoming predictable.
7. Prepare, and it won’t be so bad – Chances are, you know someone who knows someone who knows someone who has a horror story about butt sex, in which they just told their partner to “put it in” with no advance preparation, and they were walking bowlegged for rest of the week as a result. Anal is not something you can just jump into like a game of hopscotch — you need to prepare in advance or things can go wrong. I’ve heard of women using dildos to, err, “stretch out” days before the planned main event. But the thing you need to keep in mind above all else, is to use loads and loads of good lube. The quality stuff, not the stuff your university health center hands out to you at freshman orientation. And you really do need lots of it. Imagine you’re trying to grease Lena Dunham through the hole of a chain link fence. That much.