Just heard about your new venture “O.W.N. – The Oprah Winfrey Network”. That’s seriously awesome. I don’t mean to speak out of line here, but in case you haven’t noticed, that acronym spells the word “own”, which may turn some viewers off. Just saying. You know what, ignore that. Clearly, you know what you’re doing.
Anyboobs, I’m emailing you on behalf of one of the internet’s most glanced over humor websites, holytaco.com. Never heard of it? Didn’t think so. We don’t really share a demographic. But that’s exactly why I think you should hear me out. You’re going to need programming for your new network, particularly during the later time-slots. Twenty-four hours is a lot of time to fill and nobody likes infomercials for the right reasons. A certain kind of person watches programming this late at night and we know those kind of people, because we are that those kind of people.
What I’m saying here, O, is that you need original programming with a fresh, young, male perspective — that’s where we come in. For your consideration, I’ve written out five brief pitches for original programming that I have a good feeling your audience will really go for. Give them a read and let us know what you think. My friends and I will be waiting with baited beer-breath. (Please note, the titles are tentative.)
Dance Housewives, Dance!
I know you’re like “Oh great, another reality show.” Yeah, but this one’s got a special twist I think you’re really going to love. You, Oprah, are going to be the one making the contestants dance. They will literally be wired up like large marionettes and you get to control them from behind a two –way mirror. The best contestant doesn’t really win anything, but they get to hear you laugh manically over a loudspeaker. Contestants will be whittled down from a large pool by random selection or a knife fight tournament.
Clean This House!
Real simple premise: Four lucky viewers compete to win the chance to clean this house. “This” house, being your house. How do they win that chance? Knife fight! I know, a little bold, but you have to take chances. And don’t worry about finding contestants. We all were able to name five women that we knew well, that would totally be willing to risk a stab wound for the chance to clean your house. But if you really want to keep violence out of this, a bikini chicken fight will work as well.
Let’s Build a Pyramid!
Self-explanatory. Your viewers build a pyramid in your honor. Brick by brick, the old fashioned way. Possibly an Oprah Sphinx, too. They’ll do whatever you want, as long as you send the survivors home with a new car or an iPad or something.
The Great Oprah Hunt!
Sounds weird, but listen. This is basically an “Amazing Race” style adventure reality show where couples (preferably consisting of one wife and one incredibly disinterested, closeted husband) travel the world searching for checkpoints that you have designated. When they reach their goal they will find a rare item of value that you ordered off the internet but didn’t feel like paying for shipping on, and they will bring it back to you. You’re saying “What’s drawing me in? What’s the risk?” Real simple. Losing team gets fed to lions.
Feed the Lions Knife Fight!
Bottom line is, all these proposed reality shows will cause you to accumulate a large pool of potential contestants and contest losers. Lets call them your “subjects”. We take all of your subjects that lost on other shows, didn’t make the other shows, or just didn’t die during production, and we throw them in a large venue with tons of seats, like an arena or something, and then we unleash lions on them. A live audience watches on while you eat Stedman feeds you and Gayle grapes. Kind of a new spin on an old classic. The budget would be super low because we’d already own the people from the contracts they signed to be in your previous shows. And there’ll be knife fighting in there somewhere. In case one of your more surly, bitter hausfrau fans kills all the lions we have on hand.
So anyway, O, there you have it. Run those ideas up the Winfreyland flagpole and see who salutes it! You know you can reach us however, but posting something in the comments section is probably best.
The Holy Taco Staff