A few months ago I was at the San Diego Zoo, and as I do every time I go, I spend a good amount of time sitting in front of the Bonobo monkey cage.* This time I noticed there were five or six monkeys hanging out in a group, and about thirty feet away, there was a monkey by himself, feverishly jerking off.
After just a little bit, he finished into his hand, then proceeded to calmly walk over to the group of monkeys and enter into their group. Except he was still holding his monkey spunk in his hand, like he was holding a pair of dice or something. Then he sort of tapped one of the other monkeys on the shoulder, and when she turned, he wiped his ejaculate all over her face, then ran away SUPER fast, as any one of us would have if we had done the same thing.
Right away all the monkeys in the group turned to monkey with the splooge on her face, in anticipation of her reaction. As did the janitor guy who was standing next to me and had watched the entire thing. I know this because he set down his broom next to me and goes "Awwww shit, nobody likes cum on their face. She gonna freak the fuck out."
Surprisingly though, she didn't, and instead calmly wiped the goo from her face and then put her hand to her nose and smelled it like she was at a chinese food buffet and she had come across a strange item. Then she tasted it, which prompted me and the janitor dude to look at each other and simultaenously go "ew." (Actually, I said "ew," he said "that monkey nasty.") Then the female monkey walked over to the monkey who wiped it on her, who was sitting about thirty feet away, turned around, and backed her ass up in to him and they started screwing.
Now, if you believe in evolution, which I do, then at some point, this must have been acceptable behavior for our species. Then one day, somebody ran up and wiped their cum on someone's face at a party or something and the music stopped and it got really quiet and awkward. Then that person's buddy came up to them and was like "hey, we're not doing that anymore."
But then I started thinking; Why aren't we doing that anymore? I mean, some people still are, but those people are in jail. But there has to be a happy medium between wiping cum on faces and the nauseating task of dating. I'm pretty sure if you asked most women "would you rather spend an entire evening with some dude who's going to talk to you about the fact that he majored in marketing in college, but always felt he was creative, or would you rather not waste any time and just have him wipe his cum on your face if you had the ability to deduce from the smell and taste of it whether or not he's worth your time," I'm pretty sure a few women would answer the latter. I'm definitely not smart enough to figure out the happy medium, but maybe some of you can.
*None of these are pictures of Bonobos, I realize that.
true story... last might (literally) I "slept" with a dr. I work with and he came all over my chest and he rubbed it in!! Rubbing it in? Really, is that supposed to be sexy (like smearing your monkey partner w/ your spooge????)? He's not from the US so I chalked it up to that...
But, by the way, all semen smells like sugar cookies ............... sorry to ruin sugar cookies for everyone!
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
November 9th, 2008 at 02:08 pm
....Sugar cookies? That seems very..pedophilic to me. 'Hey kids, wanna come and have some sugar cookie batter? No, I know it looks funny. Truust me.'
November 10th, 2008 at 06:57 am
Here's a riddle :
Q: If Lauren and Kyliepoo were both about to die and I could only save one of them who would I save?
A: Kyliepoo. Because she lets guys cum on her chest; and Lauren is a pedophile.
November 11th, 2008 at 01:55 pm
Wait. Girls read this site?
November 8th, 2008 at 03:10 am
true story... last might (literally) I "slept" with a dr. I work with and he came all over my chest and he rubbed it in!! Rubbing it in? Really, is that supposed to be sexy (like smearing your monkey partner w/ your spooge????)? He's not from the US so I chalked it up to that...
But, by the way, all semen smells like sugar cookies ............... sorry to ruin sugar cookies for everyone!
November 10th, 2008 at 02:50 pm
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