Reading. No eye contact.
G: Have you been sending letters out recently?
E: Yes, I have been catching up on my correspondence, why do you ask?
G: No reason. The lady down the hall called the police for harassment though. Something about saying her face resembled a Shar Pei’s ass.
E: (shake head) Like I’d say that. Turd cutter was the term I used. Ass is too pedestrian.
They read. G looks up.
G: I made us some oatmeal cookies.
E: I saw. Oatmeal gives me the squits.
G: Since when?
E: Since all the times eating oatmeal has resulted in my having loose stool. You’re full of silly questions today.
G: You’re being deliberately provocative.
E: My stars, whatever shall we do?
G: I think you should take up yoga with me. It will help you relax, find your centre.
E: Masturbation and narcotics do the same thing, and I feel less like a homosexual.
G: Yoga isn’t going to make you gay. And what’s wrong with being gay anyway?
E: Nothing at all, you live how you want.
G: I didn’t say I was gay.
E: I didn’t ask either, but here we are.
E finally looks up, smiles.
E: You’re not really my type anyway.
G: What, decent?
E: Pale, a little doughy. Lights off, missionary. You’re very milk and cookies. Oatmeal cookies. You’d give me the squits.
G: That’s disgusting.
E: I know, thus we can never be. You’ll find someone else though.
G: I’m not gay.
E: Great. Bisexuality will probably open many doors for you anyway. 6 billion people to choose from.
G: Why do you have to be like this?
E: Nature vs nurture, I can’t say.
G: Mother would be so displeased.
E: Mmm. I used to know this bum with Tourette’s named Mofo, he always seemed very please to see me. I’d take him on bus trips around town during the busy times of day.
G: You exploited someone with a disability?
E: Obviously. That man played obscenities like an angel playing a harp. You would have wept for the beauty.
G shakes his head.
E: Grow up.
G: Compassion is childish?
E: Unworldly. It’s common knowledge that some diseases are hilarious, Tourette’s chief among them. Gigantism, erectile dysfunction, crabs and anything prefaced by the word “morbid” as well.
G: How can you expect to find love with that attitude?
E: I find love every weekend and usually Wednesday’s after work. When that fails, I love all over your pillow case when you’re out. Sometimes your toothbrush. Once in your thermos.
G is aghast E smiles.
E: Mmm, yes. That’s the look I wanted to see.
G: You have too much time. You should come to the mission with me this Friday, they need people to read.
E: I’m reading just fine right here.
G: You read to the homeless.
E: (Laughs). Good one.
G: I’m serious. Haven’t you ever wanted to do something to help someone in need?
E looks thoughtful.
E: Were you not listening when I mentioned what I did to your thermos?
G: I mean help someone, give of yourself?
E: I can’t help but think the thermos again covers this.
G: You really are crass. And hopeless.
E: Hope is overrated and underperforming.
G: Hope is everything?
E: Hope dances Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays at the Jiggle Room. She recently upgraded to a D cup and they are swell.
G: You’ll grow up one day, you know.
E: I can hardly contain my joy.
They make eye contact
E: What what?
G: Why are you looking at me?
E: You looked at me first.
G: I didn’t.
E: Well clearly one of us is lying.
G: History dictates that would be you.
E: Causation? I can lie 100 times in a row it does not stand that the 101st thing I say will be a lie.
G: It’s a good bet.
E: Gambling is so unlike you.
G: Yes, well…
E: Well? That’s barely a statement.
G: I have no desire to finish.
E: So you’ll just end with no closure at all? No point? Just stop?