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A Letter Regarding Gay Marriage, To Congress, From A Guy Who Makes Wedding Cake Toppers

Dear Congress,

My name is Geoff Rotring, I am the owner and CEO of Top Hat, Inc., a New Jersey based company that manufactures wedding cake toppers. You’re probably wondering why someone who makes what most would consider a cheap plastic party favor would be addressing such a higher power. Well, to be completely up front with you, the recent advancement of civil rights for certain groups of people has me quite concerned about the future of my business.

I will start by saying, and hopefully I’m not coming off as boastful when I say this, but Top Hat Inc. is the number one manufacturer of wedding cake toppers in North America. We employ American citizens, provide them with a competitive wage and reasonable healthcare options. We can only afford to operate on the level we’re at right now, and maintain our staff and machines as they currently exist. We don’t have the income to support upgrades or expansions, and with the new generation of non-commital youth approaching prime marriage age, our outlook is grim.

But the issue I need to address immediately is same-sex marriage. Now that an increasing number of states is allowing it, my business is feeling the negative effects. This is probably something no one has considered, but please allow me to briefly explain: Our wedding cake toppers are made in pairs. A man and a woman. They are made together in one mold, then painted by machine. They’re made together not only for economic purposes, but also for the sake of symbolism. A tiny plastic man and a tiny plastic woman poured from a high grade, eco-friendly polymer into one mold is a metaphor for the sacred institution of marriage.

I’ve researched solutions for this dilemma, but nothing my team has come up with is cost-effective enough to keep my business alive. Manufacturing little groom-groom and bride-bride molds would be incredibly expensive as would manufacturing separate groom and bride molds. I just don’t see a way out of this. At the risk of sounding homophobic, I beg you to vote against the federal legalization of gay marriage. My company has gone through this before, when interracial marriage became socially acceptable, but I don’t think we can weather another storm of that magnitude.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

Geoff Rotring

 

3 Responses to "A Letter Regarding Gay Marriage, To Congress, From A Guy Who Makes Wedding Cake Toppers"

  1. BVP says:

    Even if this letter is written in earnest, it still does not effect him because gay couples are not and have not been his market or how he came to be #1 in the biz as he says. How does he lose out when he was making hand over fist on bride/groom toppers? That market does not disappear with the addition of same sex marriages. He won’t lose business, he just may not gain any.

    This was after all, a poorly thought out reason for being against gay marriage. That’s fine, you don’t have to support it, but the shabby reasoning from a “business standpoint” is hilariously invalid. And he must not be a good business man if he won’t evolve with changing trends to accommodate a market that is now going to expand greatly.

    Oh, and he’s a racist prick, too.

    What an idiot.

  2. What says:

    Hahahahahahaha

  3. crazy says:

    fake