World, say “hello” to Storm Witterick! A baby born to Kathy Witterick and David Stone of Canada. Is it a boy or a girl? THAT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! They’ve decided not to reveal the gender of their new baby because they don’t want it to have to deal with the constraints of gender roles. Because, as we all know, babies are constantly being forced to represent their genders according to society’s rules. Luckily, Storm is home-schooled (no surprise there), but he/she is still going to face a lot of issues that his/her parents will probably refuse to address. That’s why we’ve written Storm a letter, breaking it all down. Holy Taco is here to help.
Hey kiddo! Hope the last few years have been full of fun for you! I’m sure you’re growing up well and becoming a big boy/girl!
You’re probably wondering who we are and why we wrote you this letter. In short, we’re writers at a comedy website called Holy Taco. If it still exists by the time you read this, I’ll be blown away, but that’s neither here nor there. We’ve written you this letter because we wanted to address some issues that have probably come up in your life. Please take our advice seriously, we’re just trying to make sure the world doesn’t beat you up.
First off, your gender: You’ve got one and I’m sure you know what it is by now, but just in case you don’t, ask yourself this question — are you able to hit a target with your pee? If the answer is “yes”, then you’re a boy. If the answer is “no” then you’re a girl. Now that you have that information, how has your life changed? Not at all, right? Right. Because for the most part, until you’re a little older, it doesn’t really matter.
You’re probably saying “I know it doesn’t matter, my parents always told me it doesn’t matter. That’s why they kept my gender a secret!” Yes, you’re right, in a way. But here’s the thing — your parents are selfish hippies. They decided to turn you and your siblings into their personal, walking, talking argument-starters. They have a noble cause, and instead of fighting for it on their own, they’ve decided to make their offspring androgynous. (If you know what that word means, then you’re one smart kid! If you don’t know, learn it now. Because you’re going to hear it a lot. Especially if you’re thrown into the pit of cobras that is public school.)
It’s kind of important to know what gender you are. You can go ahead and wear dresses or jeans, cut your hair short or put in hair in pigtails, play with Barbies or G.I. Joe’s. Those are all unimportant, irrelevant choices and activities. Because regardless of what your parents seem to think, gender has everything to do with biology. Women can have babies, men can’t have babies. Women can’t pee standing up, men can. You can be as androgynous (remember that word? I told you you’d be hearing it again!) as you want in your activities and style choices, but at some point you’re going to need to know which public restroom to use.