Ok, there’s a million jokes I could make about the fact that figure skater Johnny Weir has officially come out of the closet. But all those jokes would be as obvious as the fact that Johnny Weir is gay. It’s honestly, never been a big concern wether or not Johnny Weir is or isn’t gay, but I have to assume that Weir pegged even the weakest of gay-dars. There’s a lot of stereotypical things that would indicate Weir’s homosexuality that go far beyond the fact that he was a figure skater. There’s probably just as many heterosexual male figure skaters as their are heterosexual female softball players. Which is to say there’s about three of them. But they’re out there, so next time you’re watching the winter olympics, don’t make assumptions.
Weir made his completely not shocking announcement this week and the news has the nation feeling completely indifferent and not surprised at all. “I’ve never lived in a closet” Weir said in a Today Show interview. “No shit” said everybody listening. Weir says he’s been taking a hiatus from competitive skating, I guess so he could concentrate more on looking like a cross between K.D. Lang and Lady Gaga.
I’m not sure what Weir was expecting to come of this announcement. In his head, I assume he was hoping for at least a few gasps, instead of the reaction one would give to someone announcing the current temperature while they were staring at a thermometer. I really want to know if anyone was surprised. I imagine a young girl, a huge Johnny Weir fan, sitting at home about to watch the man she hoped would one day be her husband, tell the world he was into boys. Someone would have to sit her down and console her. Then they’d have to reveal other worldly facts to her like fire burns and you shouldn’t stick your hands in paper shredders. I’m really just glad he didn’t try to fight it at any point in his public life. It would’ve gotten really uncomfortable to watch him pretend to have a girlfriend, or speak unconvincingly in an interview with Howard Stern about how much he loves “chicks and their tits”.
As it turns out, Weir is making this announcement in conjunction with the release of his autobiography “I’m Here, I’m Weir, Get Used To It.” Kidding. That’s not the title of the book, but it should be. It’s actually titled “Rhymes With Weir”. Kidding again. It’s actually called “How To Be Really Bad at Hiding Your Homosexuality”. Ok, I’m done. The real title is “Welcome To My World”. The book may be a pretty good read, because Weir really did stir some shit up in the figure skating world, and he’s compelling to watch on TV, I’m just afraid that the pages may be filled with a lot of obvious Johnny Weir facts. There may be a chapter in there called “I’m a figure skater”.