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Get Your Tickets To The Disease And Sin Festival Known As Coachella!

The annual music festival held in Indio, California every year is called Coachella. (In case you’re my dad and didn’t know that already.) It’s a music festival like most others, full of people cooler than you, doing some relatively mild drugs but mostly just listening to music and making sure that people know they’re at the festival.

Seeing as though it is an outdoor music fest, it’s subject to a lot of the unwarranted criticism and disapproval from people who don’t have a clear understanding of fun. The super conservative website, ChristWire.org has recently published an article on their site warning readers about the dangers of Coachella. It’s from a seriously over-the-top group, so it’s not like we’re debunking some CNN article, but it’s fun to see such intense exaggeration. You can read the whole article here, but if you’re embarrassed to have that website in your history, then check out a few highlights from the piece:

“Coachella is a Festival of Disease and Sin. Your Children Most Likely Will Die.”

That’s the title of the article, and it’s a pretty bold statement that can be refuted by google search. “Most likely,” your kids will die. That’s not at all the case. We searched and came up with not a single death reported at Coachella. Unless the Coachella crew is using the same PR staff as the Disney Resorts,  then nobody has ever died at Coachella. Your children are most likely to get a little dirty and maybe, at the most, suffer from heat stroke.

“Each year the event grows in numbers and so do its cases of rape, murder and cases of teenage runways. No were else are so many drugs taken, orgies performed and victimaztion of America’s young daughters.”

The event grows in numbers, yes, and it would stand to reason that the rape, murder and running away would too. If that were an issue at Coachella to begin with. If that’s the kind of stuff you’re afraid of subjecting your daughters to, then don’t send them to college, or anywhere else for that matter.

For those of you who doubt ChristWire’s claims, here’s some graphs, which you know can’t be fake because they’re on the internet…

So from from 2010 to 2011, the “Cases of STD After Whore Concert” increased by 7,000! The spike must’ve been caused by the great condom and knowledge shortage of 2010! Remember that? It happened right around Christmas, nobody could find condoms and everyone forgot how STD’s worked so they kept just kept boning.

“Girls are pressured and sometimes forced to dress up and walk around like little $2 harlot whores and guess what? Your daughter has been spending the past few weeks looking for the most shortest part of shorts and the most see through and open top shirt, so she can expose her milk sacs to half brain dead drug addict boys.”

That was unedited and directly copied, just so you know. I just didn’t feel like writing [sic] after every other word. What follows that statement is a bunch of photos of exactly what the writer describes. What follows that is a few pics that were taken by a man who went to the festival “under cover.”

The caption below this SCANDALOUS pic reads “Walking in front of traffic with no care for cars.” Drugs, rape and JAYWALKING?! See you in hell, boys!

Christwire.org is actually a great source for terrifying made-up info on all the coolest music festivals. Here’s what Christwire suggests we read at the bottom of their Coachella exposé:

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