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Ghosts in the Machine: 6 Spooks that Haunt You Through Technology (and How to Overcome Them)

caller dvd

The Caller just dropped on DVD and it features True Blood’s Bill Compton and a Twilight vampire doing nothing vampiric whatsoever, however they are being haunted by one of those phone calling ghosts.  Unsurprisingly, it looks like ghosts have upgraded along with the rest of us and now rely on technology to hunt down victims because walking sucks, even when you’re a ghost.  If you find yourself in this predicament, you’re going to need to know how to handle yourself because phone ghosts totally want you killed dead.  All technology ghosts want you killed dead.  You need to know what you’re up against and how to kick its phone calling, TV haunting, car driving, laundry pressing, hair growing ass.  And hey, when you’re done this, check out more of our Action Unleashed stuff.

Pulse

 

Remember Pulse?  Oh man.  Here’s the gist of this movie; Veronica Mars and her friends accidentally phone an awful dimension full of asshole ghosts who then show up in wi fi signals and spiderwalk around all flicky-creepy until you lose the will to live or watch the sequel.  And I guess it ruined the entire world.  Literally the whole world.  Unless you put up red duct tape.  Don’t ask.

 

Fight Back! With the amount of cell phones in the world and the way people rely on them like they’re an extra hand or set of genitals or whatever, you can’t just let ghosts started popping out of them and depressing you to death, that’s ridiculous.  And the red duct tape thing seems like a suspect method of solving this problem at best.  In the movie they try to give them a computer virus or something I refuse to look into further at this juncture, but none of that is relevant.  You know how you use a smartphone to shut down any malevolent force on Earth?  Angry Birds, yo.  I defy otherworldly beings to get three stars on every single level.  I defy you!

 

Poltergeist

 

The ghosts in Poltergeist were a mishmash of “huh?” There was an Indian burial ground, but also a crazy preacher and his flock and then that really tiny lady who wasn’t a ghost, but was still creepy.  But they did make use of technology, coming through static on the TV to speak to the little girl.  Hey kids, remember TV static?  Nah, didn’t think so.  It used to come on every night after the National Anthem.  Remember the National Anthem?  Didn’t think so.

 

Fight Back! You need a two-pronged attack on this once because you’re dealing with more than one motivation from the evil ghost types.  History (on film) teaches us that Indian burial grounds are unpredictable – they may bring your cat back from the dead or maybe they just want to be laid peacefully to rest.  We asked our Native American neighbor what’s the best way to deal with unsettled spirits on a burial ground and he said give them their land back.  So, you know, do that.  As for the evil preacher, the little woman in the movie suggests sending him towards the light.  So set up some flood lamps and when he’s not sure which light to head towards, punch him right in his old face.  Did you see that guy?  Christ, he looked decrepit.

 

 

The Mangler

This movie is literally about an evil laundry press. Like an industrial sized, giant, stationary laundry press.  Brilliant.  The press is possessed by a demon because that happens sometimes and it eats people?  Or jus kills them, I’m not sure if it’s really made clear if it gets anything out of its antisocial behavior.

 

Fight Back!  Maybe those first couple of people didn’t know there was a danger here, since it’s just a laundry press, but once it becomes as clear as such a thing possibly can be, probably the best way to fight back is to go to the next room.  That’s all, really.

Maximum Overdrive

 

In one of the best movies out there starring Emilio Estevez (heh), Maximum Overdrive features a cash machine that curses out Stephen King, a kid getting chased (somehow) but a push lawnmower, a sinister turkey carver, a guy who gets killed by a pop machine and an 18 wheeler with the Green Goblin’s face on the front.  Plus every other machine on earth hell bent on killing people.  Plus a soundtrack totally performed by AC/DC.  Why isn’t this movie on TV 24 hours a day?

 

Fight Back!  This one is tough, because it’s all technology in the world fighting against you, how do you manage that? You may have to start relying on logic.  For instance, even if a gas powered lawn mower could somehow start up on its own, how the hell is it chasing you down?  You have to push it, it needs to be pushed!  Confront it with how this makes no sense whatsoever and see if it doesn’t stop chasing you.

 

The Ring

 

The Ring is sort of the grand daddy of the current crop of technology hates you movies.  It’s phone calls and VHS tapes and TVs out to get you in this one, and potentially even DVDs if someone had the foresight to consider that barely anyone even own a VCR anymore.  If you answer the phone or watch TV in this you’re pretty much doomed, all because some lady launched her evil kid down a well.  Man, life is tough.

 

Fight Back!  This movie is full of red herrings on how to get out of your one week death sentence after watching the shitty art house devil movie.  Turns out the best way to do it is to make a copy and show it to someone else, because that’s an asshole move that’ll just get someone else killed but hey, you’re OK, right?  The real clever method would have been copying that shitty movie onto Betamax or Laserdisc.  Oh, suck on that little evil girl, who’s watching you now?

 

The Wig

 

I openly admit to stretching the definition of technology in this entry, but I couldn’t think of a better excuse to write about this movie.  It’s about an evil wig that that wants to have a relationship with the wig-wearer’s sister’s ex.  Does that make sense?  No.  Added twist!  The wig was hair from a gay suicide victim!  This movie is Korean, proving Japan has not cornered the market on insane plots.

 

Fight Back!  Haircut.

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