Every year, every website under the sun presents to you its gift guide for the best and coolest loot you can share with loved ones this holiday season (which we think mean Christmas and Hanukkah). Other sites probably do this much better than us, except for the fact that they don’t! Because their lists are cold and passionless. Our list is full of stuff we want for us because we live in difficult times and places and we legitimately need everything we have listed here. So if we inspire you, buy this stuff for a loved one because if you give the gift of Holy Taco, you give the gift of love. But also, maybe buy it for us. One of our editors lives in a storage unit. For real. He poops in a bucket. Feel free to guess which editor. I think you’ll be pleasantly surprised. That aside, on with the gift guide.
Bean Bag Chair
As you may recall, we have been gifted with Bean Bag Chairs from Sumo Lounge in the past. This has spoiled us for all other chairs with the exception of those that need to be plugged in and can offer a variety of massages ranging from soothing to painful to molesty. The bean bag chair is the perfect chair for all things at all times except high powered business meetings but guess what! We don’t have business meetings! We rarely even wear pants!
If you could jerky a living animal and raise jerkied cows we’d quit the internet game right now and become farmers. But we can’t, can we science? So we’re forced to buy narrow packages of dehydrated, salty meat every so often and just sit back in a bean bag and feel sorry for all those suckers in straight back chairs eating meat that has moisture content.
Hobo with a Shotgun
If you haven’t seen Hobo with a Shotgun you’ve done a disservice to film and humanity. The very species itself is frowning at you. It’s a movie about a hobo who has a shotgun and yet so much more – there’s people being decapitated by manhole covers, there’s fully armored demon bounty hunters and someone gets stabbed with an ulna. Or maybe the radius bone. Doesn’t matter, there’s arm bone stabbing. Now that’s a happy holiday.
Spike Your Juice
We reviewed this product a year ago and we’re still pretty much in love with it because it’s the easiest way to make prison wine on earth and you don’t need to worry about dropping your soap in the shower after making it. You literally just need a bottle of juice and two days, then you can get your somewhat unglamorous drink on. But who needs Smirnoff coolers when you can turn Ocean Spray into Ocean Shlitz. We need more of this stuff and so do you. Spike your Juice is holiday cheer.
A Really Slick Hat
I, for one, have always wanted a really sharp hat. Like an old school, high quality Fedora. But my head is the freakish head of an internet comedy writer and the stores I shop at are of a low class and so I’ve never met a hat that didn’t make me look like a fat-headed mental case. I’d like a classy hat that doesn’t make me look like a fat-headed mental case. I don’t think they make one.
Sharp has a new 80” TV. I’m not 80” and chances are you’re not either since that’s about 6’8.” A TV that dwarfs your stature is intense and, yes, unnecessary but TV isn’t really necessary at all, so why not have an 80” one? I want to see Kim Kardashian’s ass at 80 inches. I don’t even give a shit.
Our editorial staff often lives on a mixture of the aforementioned homemade hooch and crackers covered in various low-cost spreads. Store brand peanut butter, discount cheese in a can, that sort of thing. We could use a taco kit or some pork chops or something. And really, your loved ones could honestly use groceries, you know they could. Say you came home and there was a ham. There’s a ham you didn’t have before. You going to say no to that free ham? No. Even if you’re Jewish or Muslim, you’ll find a use for that ham.
It’s all the esthetics of a scooter but none of the power. God, that’s beautiful. Plus, you can drive it while intoxicated. Can’t you?
Forever Lazy Adult Onesie
We need to be very clear here, this is an awesome gift for someone who you want to make fun of. Look at this commercial – this is a real commercial. This is seriously big, mental patient PJs for an adult to wear. With an ass flap so your lazy ass can shit without dropping trou. Lazy is in the name of the product, but if you’ve become too lazy to properly defecate, then you are truly a disgusting sack of sadness.
I was just about to research more into this product beyond the vague understanding I currently have of it from some research into its military applications some years ago, when I stopped myself for fear of ruining the beautiful dream I have that this is more or less the key to making Weird Science a reality. Like, this will make it happen, right? And maybe I can replace Kelly LeBrock with Scarlett Johansson?
Right now, in reality, you can get a remote control shark blimp. Everyone needs that for Christmas.