With the world of medical science and technology evolving so quickly these days it’s only a matter of time before we find a cure for all that ails us. One day soon cancer may be eradicated with a single pill, and you will be immune to all strains of the common cold with a single shot. But that day still exists in the future. Until then, we have more down to earth, common sense solutions to our medical problems, like getting a clown to dance like an idiot while a doctor squirts semen in to infertile women to get them pregnant.
That last sentence might be the silliest sentence ever written in Holy Taco history, but it’s also among the most factual.
A recent study of 229 Israeli women who were undergoing in-vitro fertilization to treat infertility shows that the success rate of the in-vitro process was greatly and positively influenced by a 15 minuet meeting with a trained medical clown after the embryos were implanted. When they compared the results of clown aided fertilization versus non-clown aided fertilization, researchers found getting a clown to pull an endless rag out of his mouth and make balloon animals raised fertility rates in the group by 36%, compared to the 20% of women that did not have the opportunity to have a guy in a lab coat and rainbow wig dance a jig in front of them as they experience the soul-wrenching pain of not knowing whether they be able bring a life in to the world. If only this information could have been made available in the pre-Patch Adams era of human history, then we would have all been privy to a movie where Robin Williams wears a clown nose as he pretends he’s the unborn child of a patient, chanting cheerleader-like cheers in an infantile high-pitched voice urging the patient’s eggs to absorb every last drop of semen so he may be born. The patient would have laughed, and we, the audience, would all have cried the tears of people feeling embarrassed for watching such a shitty movie by themselves in their own living rooms with absolutely no one around to think less of us.
There’s no word yet on exactly what the medical clowns have been doing that’s so funny that the laughter they bring about can heal a broken vagina. If I were to venture a guess, I would say the clown doctors are doing some weird stuff with their spray bottle of seltzer water. If you ask me, someone should find out exactly what they’re spraying, and where they’re spraying it.
Now, I don’t want to make it seem like I’m insinuating that these “medical clowns” are up to anything torrid or nefarious. I’m simply warning the formally infertile, soon-to-be Israeli mothers that their babies may end up looking less like this….
…and more like this…