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Google Glass Is Terrible, And You’re an Awful Person for Using It

(Dude, you were a cockbag *before* you put on the device.)

By Dustin Seibert

Give it up already, Google.

No one wants your stupid Google Glass. Like, no one. It was made available to the general public for the first time this past Wednesday, and no substantive fucks were given. You know those ridiculous lines for new iPhones that start at 2 a.m. three days before they go on sale with that one unemployed asshole in the front who has subsisted on Top Ramen for months but managed to scrape together $400 for a new phone? Yeah, that’ll never happen with Google Glass.

The recent bombshell that the $1,500 price tag for Google Glass is TEN TIMES what it costs Apple to manufacture each device may irk people who think they’re trying to turn a bit too much of a profit, but that’s not what’s truly sandbagging this thing. First off, not enough people know what it does: An informal poll of a classroom full of teenagers I conducted today revealed that three out of 27 of them had no idea how the device could improve any aspect of their lives. And when I listed ways it could, they quickly responded that their phones do that and 7634871652347645 other things.

Part of the problem is that it’s the truth: Our smartphones do way more than Google Glass does out the gate. The other part is that the marketing has been asswater: We have seen a ton of pictures of billionaire nerds wearing the device, but not nearly enough of what the interface looks like from the user POV. Why is it so hard for a tech company to accomplish in its ads what James Cameron accomplished in 1984?

No one has ever heard of one reason that we really need Google Glass…only things that we can do with it. Like, why in the name of Judas’ Balls would I need to see myself banging my own wife?

Also, there are already too many people totally convinced that wearers are secretly recording them, which has resulted in everything from Google Glass getting banned at bars to its early wearers getting the shit slapped outta them. Sure, people can record you with their phones anyway, but if I actually see you raise your Samsung Galaxy to capture my involvement in a flash mob to Katy Perry’s “Firework,” I can at least approach you to ask you to stop.

Above all else, anyone wearing one looks like a massive douchenozzle. In a zeitgeist that celebrates dirty hipsters and chumps wearing nut-hugging corduroy pants as “stylish,” there are few people who will walk into a nightclub expecting to get props for looking like a “Hellraiser 3” Cenobite. Even Jon Hamm could rock those things and look unfuckable.

We’ve been hearing about this worthless device for about years now, and the public is just now able to buy it. Bad sign. Did Steve Jobs announce the iPhone and sit on it for years before releasing it? Nah, son…he dropped that shit on all of us like Blue Steel and the public hasn’t turned back.

The public will never care about Google Glass. Mark my words. Throw this mess in the pile with Nintendo’s Virtual Boy and Fruitopia.

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