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Grading 50 Cent’s Terrible Excuses for His Terrible Pitch

You’ve probably seen 50 Cent’s atrocious attempt at throwing a baseball (but I’m providing it anyway because I’m charitable). Not only did he miss the strike zone, he damn near missed the entire ballpark. It’s virtually impossible to throw something that off-base without doing so on purpose because you want attention — or in his case, because you have a new album to promote.

Also, being a Chicago Cub. That excuse works too.

Unfortunately for Fiddy, he hasn’t claimed anything close. Like a little kid caught doing something naughty and spitting out lie after lie until his parents get frustrated and give up on searching for the truth, his official explanations have been varied, to say the least. They’ve also been incredibly stupid. Here they all are, graded for posterity:

Blamed His Drug Selling Past

Shortly after proving he could spit a ball better than he could throw it, Fiddy went on Twitter and declared “I’m a hustler, not a damn ball player.” His LMAO afterwards did nothing to make his statement less stupid, no more than “LOL” means somebody is actually laughing at your corny joke.

Who cares if you’re not a ball player? Neither am I, and while I might not be able to throw a strike, I could at least direct the ball near the catcher. Unless you smoke half the shit you hustle and were high as a kite that night, blaming your druggie side business earns you no points.

GRADE: D-

Claimed The Ball Slipped

Slipped balls certainly happen, especially if the pitcher isn’t an athlete. But when a ball slips, it doesn’t suddenly veer 315 degrees in the wrong direction. It either dribbles down immediately or does a short lob for 20 or so feet and then goes splat on the ground. It does NOT do whatever it is Mr. Cent made it do.

GRADE: C-

Threw Curtis Jackson Under The Bus

And now we enter borderline-psychosis territory. According to Fiddy, he didn’t throw that pitch, because he’s awesome and perfect. Curtis Jackson, on the other hand, is a glorious fuckup who can’t do anything right, so naturally he’s the one who made himself look like a fool in front of everyone.

Nice try. Fiddy and Curtis are the same person, and you know it. No rapper has ever successfully pulled off the multiple personalities thing (Eminem quickly became Slim Shady and vice versa, no matter how much he insisted otherwise). Besides, if 50 Cent truly is another identity, then he’s a ripe selfish bastard. He had no problem taking credit for those nine bullets that Curtis Jackson survived, didn’t? And yet he won’t share the blame for making Charlie Brown look like Nolan Ryan? Some alter ego he is.

GRADE: F-

Diagnosed Himself With a Bad Shoulder from Too Much Masturbation

Cute, but no. Unless he spent ten straight hours rigorously spankin’ it and then immediately took the mound, then being so sore he can’t throw a half-decent fastball isn’t very likely.

Besides, have you ever seen Fiddy’s body? He’s more ripped than The Rock.


Because holding microphones is hard.

If he were fat and flabby, then maybe taking care of himself because the ladies wouldn’t could borderline cripple his motor skills. But not when he’s in better shape than half the Major League roster. If you’re going to clown around, at least ensure your jokes contain an iota of sense.

GRADE: D+

50 Cent: good rapper, bad liar. He should’ve just said somebody around the on-deck circle pissed him off and so he was aiming for their head. Then no one would give him guff — throwing baseballs at people you don’t like is perfectly acceptable behavior in that league, after all.

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