Great Expectations: What The Playboy Photographer Should Expect From Lindsay Lohan During Her Nude Photo Shoot

It was revealed today that Lindsay Lohan is going nude for a Playboy photo shoot after Playboy offered her an undisclosed amount of money that reportedly approaches her asking price of $1 million.

And with this news hitting the internet, I think now is about the time to play a game I like to call Great Expectations. Here’s how it works: I’ll give you an example of something the photographer will expect from Lindsay Lohan on the day of the photo shoot, and then I will give you an example of something the photographer should have known was going to happen.

Ready? Let’s play!

The Playboy photographer will expect…Lindsay to be on time.

The Playboy photographer should expect…Lindsay to show up an hour-and-a-half late, smelling of various types of taint sweat.

The Playboy photographer will expect…Lindsay to try on a wide array of skimpy lingerie to find the perfect ensemble for the shoot.

The Playboy photographer should expect…Lindsay to bring with her a moist, lumpy trash bag filled with someone else’s urine-soaked pants.

The Playboy photographer will expect…Lindsay to strike a number of provocative poses.

The Playboy photographer should expect…Lindsay crouched and dry heaving in a corner as one of her lower-body orifices looks like it’s coughing up a field mouse.

The Playboy photographer will expect…Lindsay to offer suggestions that improve the overall quality of the photo shoot.

The Playboy photographer should expect…Lindsay to point to her crotch a number of times while saying, “Check out my fine selection of meats.”

The Playboy photographer will expect…Lindsay to be shy and a bit bashful at first.

The Playboy photographer should expect…To get a close-up shot of her ovaries.

The Playboy photographer will expect…the lighting to compliment Lindsay’s natural beauty.

The Playboy photographer should expect…something out of a Dateline special report on what happens when you black light a hotel room.

The Playboy photographer will expect…To airbrush some minor imperfections out of the final photos.

The Playboy photographer should expect…To have to pose her behind a desk to hide her Quato.

The Playboy photographer will expect…A lot of good pictures, and a few that aren’t quite up to par.

The Playboy photographer should expect…The pictures to spontaneously catch fire, like the pictures of Viggo The Carpathian in Ghostbusters 2.

The Playboy photographer will expect…Lindsay to be grateful that she is being paid close to $1 million to pose nude.

The Playboy photographer should expect…A person that fully realizes she’s entering the “sex tape and drug overdose” phase of her career.

The Playboy photographer will expect…Men to be aroused when they see the pictures.

The Playboy photographer should expect…Men to finally stop wondering what it would look like if their coat rack had boobs.