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Great Failures from the Past: The Bud Bundy Rap Album

Fans of the warm and fuzzy family sitcom Married … With Children probably remember Bud Bundy’s run as a wannabe gangsta rapper, Grandmaster B. He wore a giant Raiders jacket, wore his hat backwards, sported gold chains — he was everything hip-hop was until it changed because Bud Bundy ruined everything.

Forget Al Davis, THIS is why the Raiders suck.

The guy who portrayed him, David Faustino, was huge into rap and hip-hop, despite being tiny, white, and almost too good at portraying a hapless loser. To rib him, the writers created Grandmaster B. Unfortunately, to rib them back, Faustino took the whole thing seriously and became an honest-to-God rapper, D’Lil. He even released an album, Balistyx.

D’Lil’s music hears no color, nor does it hear our desperate pleas to make the ear-pain stop.

Clearly, our masturbation and eating pork and masturbating with pieces of pork pissed off God hardcore, as D’Lil’s lead single “I Told Ya” is still readily available on YouTube. What’s taking Satan so long to submit a copyright claim?

Grand Wizard B has a semi-decent flow for about a fifth of a verse, but that’s it. Otherwise, it sounds like he’s trying to improvise his lyrics, Biggie-style. Problem is, he’s a guy paid to read silly scripts, which doesn’t exactly beget the ability to spit a couple hundred words a minute on the fly.

As for the lyrics he DOES muster? They’re about as bad as you think. They’re so bad, in fact, that I can’t find any website that bothered to type them out. They probably want everybody to click on the video and suffer as they did. But because I’m so damn nice, here are a few choice cuts:

Here I come here I come here I … come (complete with awkward pause in place of anything resembling an interesting rhyme)

So you wick-wack knick-knack Tic Tacs get back

Little D standing tall at five-foot-three / Yeah, but I’m as dope as can be

I got more flavor than the bar candy Kit Kat / and when it comes to Kitty Kats I gotta wear a jimmy hat

Awwwwwwww spit / patooey patooey, fellas think very hard, very dip-a-dooey / wanna get that pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy pussy cat / meow meow meow meow meow how’s that?

As I swing ya like a merry go (yo Dave, no stop) no, lemme go

I don’t want no groupie hoochie who only wants my Grammy (spoiler alert: he doesn’t have one and never will)

Girl you know I love you but you’re killin’ me softly / PSYCHE / Right? Like you thought I was serious / It makes me so furious / why are you so curious?

Sorry I gotta tell it so rough / but when you’re in the industry ya go through this stuff

I still don’t know what he “told” us. I guess he was awesome and we should’ve listened to him? I must have missed that episode where Bud wasn’t a total loser with the least funny lines of any character (including the dog). “I Told Ya” appears to literally be nothing but a meaningless catchphrase, invented because Bud didn’t have time between takes to rap a real chorus.

The video is little more than Faustino acting cool and tough in various places, with random out-of-work dancers showing up during the chorus to jump around non-heartedly. If you ever see that in a video, chances are the song sucks, the dancers know it sucks, and don’t want to waste any physical effort or creative energy. Instead, they’ll just hop in place like inbred kangaroos, eagerly awaiting that magical moment when the director yells CUT so they can collect their money and leave to drink away the memories.

Did he learn his lesson? Of course not! He’s still rapping, this time under the even-worse moniker Lil’ Gweed. But if you want to subject yourself to THAT torture, you’re on your own. I’ve hurt myself enough today already.

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