Earlier today, George Michael, America’s 3rd favorite drug-addled homosexual British pop star from the 80’s, was sentenced to eight weeks in prison for crashing his car into a photo store while hopped up on pot and prescription drugs. During the hearing, the judge claimed that Michael had not taken “proper steps to deal with what is clearly an addiction to cannabis.”
While we hope the singer beats his severe weed addiction, we here at Holy Taco will always remember him for his crippling addiction to cock. No, that’s not a gay joke. The guy was arrested for "engaging in a lewd act" in a public toilet…twice! If you’re doing anything besides pissing, sh*tting, or coke in a public bathroom, you’ve got a problem.
But George isn’t alone. So in honor of his recent legal troubles, we thought we’d take a trip down memory lane with great moments in the history of bathroom stall sex.
George Michael – 1998 and 2008
As mentioned above, Michael was arrested in 1998 for "engaging in a lewd act" in a public toilet. As Michael described it, an undercover officer followed him into the bathroom and “started playing this game, which I think is called, ‘I’ll show you mine, you show me yours, and then when you show me yours, I’m going to nick you!" Sounds like a sh*tty game, and maybe entrapment.
Although the incident lead to Michael coming out of the closet, the public acceptance of his homosexuality didn’t keep him out of trouble. Perhaps because he was upset about missing out on the stall sex, ten years later he was once again arrested at a public toilet in London in an area known as an anonymous gay hook-up area. To be fair, this time he was only charged with drug possession, but we’ll give him an ‘A’ for effort…and for ‘A’nonymous gay sex in a public bathroom.
Larry Craig – 2007
Of all the people on this list, former Senator Larry Craig is probably the funniest. Allegations that Craig was gay stretched back as far as 1982, when he was investigated for allegedly doing coke and engaging in sexual acts with teenage congressional pages. Needless to say, the pages were also alleged to be male. Craig beat the charges, and spent the next 25 years fighting the good fight against the homosexual agenda, and singing with his barbershop quartet, The Singing Senators. Nothing suspicious about that.
But that all changed when, one fateful day in 2007, Craig found himself under arrest for lewd conduct. Police at the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport claim that Craig entered a bathroom known as a meeting spot for anonymous gay sex and attempted to solicit sex from an undercover officer in a neighboring stall. Craig reportedly tapped his right foot several times before moving it under the stall and placing it up against the officer’s left foot. He then stuck his hand under the stall, palm up, something the officer claimed was a “signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct.”
In an attempt to sweep the matter under the rug, Craig plead guilty to a lesser charge of disorderly conduct. But a few months later, the story broke, and Craig and his “wide stance” (quoting the report, not Craig) became a national punchline. At a press conference with his wife, Craig denied the charges, claiming he plead guilty out of expediency. But the damage was done, and his career as a stalwart champion of family values was over.
Ben Roethlisberger – 2010
We’ve gotten a lot of flack for leaving Big Ben off the 2010 All-Criminal Team. So while he technically didn’t have sex, and the incident (which certainly wouldn’t qualify as a great moment) didn’t take place in a stall, we’re putting him on the list anyway, just to show we care.
Back in 2009, Roethlisberger was sued in civil court for allegedly raping a Lake Tahoe hotel employee at a golf tournament the previous year. Roethlisberger claimed the incident never happened. Now, it’s completely plausible that some nut bag would make something up about a celebrity. But if you were on the receiving end of such an allegation, the wise thing to do would be to make sure you never ended up in that situation again. The unwise thing to do would be to follow a 20-year-old girl into a bathroom and try to force yourself on her. While it’s certainly possible that Roethlisberger has been the victim of yet another false accusation, it’s much harder to believe his denials the second time around. Whatever the case may be, we’d like to remind Ben that a very important part of anonymous bathroom sex is that it be consensual. Otherwise, it’s just anonymous rape, and nobody wants that…except a rapist.
The Metrodome MILF – 2008
Sex and stadium bathrooms go together like Ben Roethlisberger and allegations of sexual assault. But the story of the Metrodome MILF takes the cake.
In 2008, a 38-year-old married mother of three from Iowa accompanied her husband to a college football game in Minneapolis. What should have been a nice couple’s-day out turned into a national sex scandal that brought shame on her family for generations to come.
Before the game, the women in question drank an undetermined amount of wine and became visibly intoxicated. Despite her husband’s suggestion that they skip the game, the women insisted. A few hours later, she was having sex in a bathroom stall with a complete stranger as other attendees cheered her on. Both her and the stranger, who was attending the game with his then girlfriend, were arrested.
The story of the Metrodome MILF took the Internet by storm, and basically ruined the woman’s life. Aside from looking like a whore in front of the entire country, the negative publicity also cost the woman her job. Inexplicably, the incident didn’t end up costing her a husband. Over a year later, the couple was reportedly still together, proving once again that love conquers all…except anonymous bathroom sex.
Panthers Cheerleadrs – 2005
While two gay dudes shacking up in a bathroom stall is about as clichéd as two gay dudes going antiquing, you don’t often hear about two ladies in the same situation. That’s why the case for a loving and caring god was advanced ten fold when two Carolina Panthers cheerleaders were arrested for having sex in a bathroom stall at a Tampa, FL nightclub. To make matters funnier, the club in question was named Banana Joe’s.
If the women involved would have thought ahead, they’d have used the men’s room where they would have been treated as heroes by all in attendance. Instead, they chose to have their fun in the women’s room, much to the dismay of all the angry females waiting to urinate. After a woman complained, one of the cheerleaders responded by punching her in the face. Police were called, and our heroes were arrested. Police described one of the girls as rude, belligerent, and too drunk to stand. While I found that to be sexy, the Carolina Panthers did not, and the negative publicity cost the women their jobs.