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Guess Which of These 7 Toy Based Films are Real

The Lego Movie is surprisingly awesome and that bodes poorly for all of us as movie lovers.  When one movie does well, Hollywood will spend the next 5 years trying to reproduce it as crappily as it possibly can which is why Vampire Academy also came out this weekend as a nod to any braindead victim of Twilight that still had enough change in their couch to buy a ticket to see a film on Friday.

Now that it’s obvious we’re going to be deluged in toy-based movies, see if you can guess which of these are real things that are happening and which of these I just pulled out of my ass.

Ouija Board

The infamous board that is used to talk to spirits is actually barely more than 100 years old and was made up to capitalize on the automatic writing phenomena which people believed had some kind of supernatural explanation.  Oooh!

The movie of the same name (not the two movies of the same name that already exist, mind you) will focus on the creepy goings-ons that occur after someone uses a Ouija board and contacts spirits from the other side!  Other side of what, you ask?  We guess Detroit, but maybe it’s something less scary.

Rubik’s Cube

The simplest and yet most infuriating puzzle that literally everyone on earth seems to own, Rubik’s Cube actually had its own 80’s cartoon show as well.  Now it gets new life as the complex puzzle box that may be more than it seems and those who are able to solve it in just the right way are introduced to something the movie guy in the commercials will make sound extremely awesome and/or mysterious!

Hot Wheels

Action figures like GI Joe and Transformers make good movies (er, sorta) so why not die-cast metal cars?  It’s one part Fast and Furious and one part…something else.  The result is a movie that combines the thrill of saying “vroom vroom” over and over again as a child with the awesomeness of toys that didn’t break when you threw them at walls.

Mega Bloks

Armageddon had its Deep Impact, Volcano Had its Dante’s Peak and now Lego has its Mega Bloks.  Coming to production only slightly behind the gun, this movie is sure to appeal to exactly the same audience which is why it’s brilliant in nearly every way except artistically.  Hopefully it has a song as catchy as “Everything is Awesome” to stick in our brains.

Stretch Armstrong

He’s a body builder, or maybe a personal trainer, and he’s latex free and can stretch out like you’ve never seen unless you’re familiar with characters like Mr. Fantastic or Plastic Man.  Point is he wears some kind of a unitard and you can use him as a slingshot if you’re creative.  Cool!  Now as a film hero he’ll have to use his amazing stretching power to protect his friends and his lady love from someone who presumably frowns upon stretching.

Barrel of Monkeys

It’s a team of monkeys that work together.  That’s kind og how Hollywood seems to work, so this may literally have been a no-brainer.  Anyway, whatever the case, you can’t go wrong with mass quantities of monkeys, just look at Planet of the Apes.  That franchise is dope.

Hungry Hungry Hippos

Sure, Battleship didn’t work at all and no one really remembers Clue and we’ve all been threatened with Monopoly, but clearly the most plot heavy board game on the market is Hungry Hungry Hippos. You’ve got characters (hippos),  antagonists (other hippos) you’ve got a conflict (need for food) and you’ve basically got every original screenplay for the last 15 years.  Explain how this is any different than No Country for Old Men.

 

Answers:  Did you figure out which of these are soul-destroyingly real and which I just made up?  Well, as it happens, Hungry, Hungry Hippos, Ouija and Hot Wheels are all actually in production right now and Stretch Armstrong was only recently shelved.  As for the others, I get royalties if anyone steals my ideas.

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