Editors Note: Here at Holy Taco we like to hear from writers with different perspective than our own. We think Mr. Snippers brings up some very relatable roommate problems.
Sometimes there’s no amount of poo-throwing that will stop your roommates from annoying you. Here’s a few things that really get me jumping up and down and pointing at stuff.
1. When They Leave Their Ejaculate On Rocks That You Sit On
Here’s a good rule of thumb, if you’ve ever seen me sit on a rock, immediately file that rock under "stuff I’m not going to wipe my cum on." There’s nothing worse than taking a break from running around and screaming, only to sit on a pile of your spunk that’s been baking on a rock for the last four hours. Then the trainers come in and see the cum stain in my fur and suddenly it’s "Oh, it looks like Mr. Snippers is acting out again sexually. We’re going to have to run some tests on him."
2. Picking Lice Out Of Your Hair When You’re Trying To Establish Dominance.
Listen, I appreciate you wanting to pick lice off of me, but it’s really hard to force sex on a female when you’re shuffling through my fur like a Japanese guy looking through postcards at the Gift shop next to our enclosure. Plus, I got news for you there’s always going to be lice to pick off me. It’s not like you’re ever going to finish picking lice off me and go "there, all finished. There’s no more lice on you." We live in a F*&king jungle habitat and throw our own shit at each other, I’m pretty sure there’s some other changes we’re going to have to make to ensure a lice free environment.
3. Using Things Humans Give You Like Utensils So They’ll Think You’re Smart And Feed You First.
Two seconds ago you took your finger out of your butthole and rubbed it on your lips like it was lipstick, and now suddenly the trainers are here and you feel the need to use a stick to eat your yogurt? We’re all going to get to eat, okay? This isn’t the lemur cage where they just toss some slop in there and let you fight it out. We’re the main draw, so just act normal and eat your food at the same time everyone else does.