By now, a lot of you have seen the clip of Barney Frank’s dining room table comment
at a recent town hall meeting (or what’s become known in the dining room table community simply as ‘the comment’). Basically, Barney said that he didn’t want to have a conversation with a crazy woman because it would be like "talking to a dining room table". Everyone laughed, and praised Barney for his quick wit and savvy comeback skills. "Oh, how funny!" thought the world. Meanwhile, millions of dining room tables across the globe furrowed their brows and said to themselves "WTF, dude? What did we ever do to you?"
It was universally understood that, by comparing this woman at the town hall meeting to a dining room table, Barney was saying that she was stupid, moronic, and inanimate. This, however, was the result of a complete misunderstanding. Had the world been privy to the information that I know, then it would have been interpreted completely correctly. But how could you know what I know? This story has never been told! This is the purpose of this guest article.
Do you know what Barney Frank did after this now infamous town hall meeting? He came home, fixed himself a Manhattan, and sat down at me, his dining room table, where he talked, loud and lispy, about all of the fabulous things that had happened to him throughout the day. He told me about the woman at the town hall meeting, and about how he "really stuck it to her". For the sake of my feelings, he didn’t mention anything about the dining room table comment, but he knew that I knew, and I knew that he knew that I knew. I don’t know if he knew that, though.
Over the years, Barney and I have had discussions about a lot of things. Yeah, that’s right: he’s a total table-talker. Barney’s talked to me at length about politics, television, ice cream, and alcohol. He’s talked about what bills he’s working on, about the lobbyists that he likes, and about the ones that he hates. He’s talked about how much he likes the Japanese game show part of I Survived a Japanese Game Show much more than the American reality-show TV part of it. He really enjoys talking about how his voice sounds incredibly similar to the old-time actor Ed Wynn, the voice of the Mad Hatter in Disney’s Alice In Wonderland, and Uncle Albert in Mary Poppins.
Barney always says, "with a voice like this, people don’t mind if you’re crazy. In fact, they kind of expect it!" He likes how his crazy voice and lisp allow him to get away with outlandish things, like pushing a pro-legalization agenda, drinking heavily on the job, buying sex for $80, taking a lot of vacations, and buying porn in broad daylight. I also have a video somewhere of him laying on top of me, completely naked, and drunkenly slurring his way through the entire soundtrack of From Justin to Kelly, which he claimed at the time was "his favorite movie ever".
In summation, I am hoping that the information brought to light in this column will encourage people to look differently at Barney Frank’s clever retort from earlier this week. If you consider that Barney frequently, and almost obsessively, speaks to his own dining room table, then perhaps it’s easier to see that his townhall comment to the idiot woman was not meant as a slight to dining room tables. Barney was inviting this woman to engage in a conversation with him in the same way that he engages in conversations with me. What Barney was really saying was "Hey, you stupid retarded moron woman, let’s sit down in my kitchen, drink a lot of fruity alcoholic drinks, watch some late night television, and talk about random nonsensical things until we end up taking off most of our clothes, crying a lot, and then passing out in a huddled mass on the floor." And in the end, can you really ask for any more from a congressman? Not, if you’re a dining room table, you can’t.