Writer. Director. Holocaust Survivor. Child Rapist.
These are all titles that can be accurately bestowed upon one of my oldest and dearest friends, Roman Polanski, most notable for directing a number of incredible films, including Rosemary’s Baby and Chinatown, and only one of those two movies is about raping a child. As you may have heard, Roman was recently re-arrested for the same thing he was arrested for in 1977: rape by use of drugs, perversion, sodomy, commiting a lewd and lascivious act upon a child under 14, and furnishing a controlled substance to a minor (because he drugged the living shit out of that kid). Basically, it was a pedo-blitzkrieg. In the world of pedophilia, Roman is a hero. If raping kids was Rock n’ Roll, Roman would be all four of the Beatles combined. If all of us kid-f*ckers had our own country, Roman would be our Thomas Jefferson. First, let’s start with a little background info, just so everyone’s caught up:
Roman and I have been best friends since 1977, when Roman forcefully raped a 13-year old girl at Jack Nicholson’s house. He invited the girl over to Jack Nicholson’s house to participate in a photo shoot for Vogue, which was totally legit, btw. Roman’s not one of those weird sexual deviants who lies to kids about things, like saying, "I have a whole bunch of puppies in my van", and then when you get there it’s just a dirty matress, some handcuffs, and a bottle of Jergen’s. If Roman tells a kid he’s got a van full of puppies, I can guarantee you that he will rape that kid in a van full of the cutest f*cking puppies you’ve ever seen.
Anyway, while they were taking pictures, he fed the girl champagne, quaaludes, and some kind of sedative, because that’s the kind of guy he is; he’s a gentleman. He’s gonna get you nice and numb before he rapes and sodomizes you against your will. Good move, Romie. The girl was apparently telling Roman things like "No" and "Stop" the whole time, but because she was so shitfaced from being force-fed drugs and alcohol, it probably came out more like "Numflkdggh" and "Stlmpfghh", so it’s really not Roman’s fault for not picking up on the cues.
Anyway, Roman was initially charged with rape by use of drugs, perversion, sodomy, commiting a lewd and lascivious act upon a child under 14, and furnishing a controlled substance to a minor, but he decided to plead guilty to one charge of engaging in unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor. But then some a-hole lawyer or something was like "Wait a minute. He f*ckin’ raped a kid! We can’t just let him off like that!" What a d-bag, right? Anyway, they started talking about putting Roman in jail for a long time, and Roman, being the epic badass that he is, was like, "F*ck this noise!" and he went off to Europe, where raping children against their will is much more socially acceptable.
Here’s what’s important to remember: Roman Polanski is European, okay? And in Europe, you don’t send your kid over to Jack Nicholson’s house to take suggestive photographs with a world-reknowned playboy who’s known for sex and drugs unless you’re planning on your kid getting drugged, raped, and sodomized. That’s just common sense. Also, Roman’s pregnant wife, Sharon Tate, was brutally murdered by the Manson family just 8 years before this whole "raping a kid" thing went down. I’d have to look up the exact numbers, but I’m pretty sure that having your pregnant wife get brutally murdered by the Manson family buys you at least 10 years of "that guy can do whatever the f*ck he wants to do" freedom, right?
In closing, is raping kids really such a bad thing? I don’t think so, and I’m probably the world’s leading authority on pedophilia and raping and sodomizing children, so I think I would know best. That’s why I’m fighting to keep Roman out of prison. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t think Roman Polanski should get off (pun intended). I think he should have to do some community service, and what better community service is there for a convicted child-rapist that three years of janitorial duty at the Xavier School for Underaged Sex Addicts, located in Beautiful Miami, Florida! Seriously, he’s a Holocaust survivor. Isn’t that the least we could do for him?