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Guest Column: A Message From Your Penis

Hey dude!  It’s me, your penis!  We know each other pretty well, so let’s skip the cheezy introductions and get down to business: we need to talk.  You’ve been coming up short big time lately, and something’s got to be done about it. I’m willing to work with you on this, because (barring some terrible accident) we’re stuck with each other, but you and I have some key issues that need to be addressed:
First of all, you’ve gotta chill out with the nightly jerk-fests.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m down for some quality playtime, but even have my limits, and you jiggling me around like an Asteroids joystick for a solid hour is hardly my idea of a good time.  Also, here’s a helpful rule of thumb:  if you get to the point where you’re experimenting with different grips on me so that it feels different, you’ve been at it for too long.  You and I should have a fairly basic interaction.  It’s not supposed to be like a mini Cirque de Soleil show down here.  You’re going to get one of us hurt if you keep that shit up.  If we’re not getting along, I’d suggest you take a breather and try again later.  Or shit, at least try a different video clip!  Yeah, me and your eyes talk pretty frequently.  I know all about your porn habits.  
Seriously, who browses a porn site for hours on end?  If you don’t get what you need on the first or second clip, there’s something else going on here.  In fact, I think I know exactly what that something else is:

YOU’RE NOT F*CKING ANY F*CKING CHICKS, DUDE!  What do you think I’m here for?  Just so you can accidentally sit on me sometimes and black out for short spells?  No!  I’m here to go into vaginas!  That’s what I do!  I’m a snatch spelunker!  I go boldly where hopefully only a few other men have gone before!  There’s a little problem, though: I don’t have any legs, and I usually can’t get very close to a vagina on my own.  That’s where you come in, my friend.  Your job is to get me within striking distance of a vagina.  I don’t know if you forgot that you’re supposed to be doing that or what, but seriously, you’ve been slacking big time, and this is getting ridiculous.  Just get me there, buddy. You’re my wheelman!
Lastly, let’s talk about lotion real quick:  would it really kill you to pay the extra two bucks for the quality brand-name stuff?  Y’know, the shit with aloe or cocoa butter or whatever the f*ck it is?  It’s good for your skin, and I don’t know if you’ve ever realized this before, but I happen to be completely covered in skin; sensitive skin that needs a little TLC every once in a while.  Oh, and if they have the firming lotion, always get that kind.  Just trust me on this one:
Okay, well, that’s about all I’ve got for now.  Seriously, try to shape up and pull your weight around here.  We’re in this together.  Besides, who knows how long I’m gonna be able to work, right?!  Hahaha j/k.  Oh, and by the way, stop waking me up at 3am.  That’s f*ckin’ ridiculous.  Alright, I’m outta here!

12 Responses to "Guest Column: A Message From Your Penis"

  1. tovarich says:

    I’m sorry about the time when we went for 7 hours straight and your skin started coming off.

  2. Moose says:

    Penis, really?

  3. Smokey says:

    It could be worse my friend
    I could be using you for gay sex

  4. & The Butt Bandit says:

    Is that a threat or a promise?

  5. Fart Sandwich says:


  6. crsfc says:

    dammit penis, I’m working on it, I promise. I realize it’s coming up on 2 years and that is far too long but you have to admit things were getting a little carried away before that. I mean you were practically begging me to take a break when you were covered in those gross sores and fire was coming out of you every time I had to pee. I’ll tell you what, how about I cut down the you and me time to just twice every other day and promise that you’ll get some somewhat clean vagina sometime before the end of August. Deal?

  7. Michael Vick says:

    Yo, P-Sack, Vick-dick, my man… now don’t go being too hard on me! I shoulda neva neva neva eva used you on my pitbulls. How was I to know they gone throw both my ass and your sack in jail now. I’m sorry aight? We’re out again now, and I’m sure vicknus behind you is sure glad. Let’s go find us some nice dog holes for you to explore.

  8. Anonymous says:

    Fuck you, penis. YOU work for ME.

  9. HolyBurrito says:


    One of the few times I have ever laughed out loud on this site.

  10. NassT says:

    Penis, your the one coming up short. I mean really, two inches is all you got. You couldn’t stretch just a little more. And thats the reason your not getting any. Wait, ugh, god damn it holy taco, now youve got me yelling at my own penis.

  11. Professor Coronopolis says: