Explore Holy Taco

GUEST COLUMN – How To: Write A College Paper

Every once in a while, we like to let someone else write a column for us.  In this case, it was a gentleman from the Sigma Chi fraternity at the University of Tennessee.  He’s got some advice for you.
Here’s the scene: it’s fri-nizzle and all the other bros are boozing with a bunch of sluts.  It’s gonna be an HJ party for sure, but not for you bro, unless you unfag yourself and finish the paper you have to write for class.  Here’s some questions you can ask yourself before writing your paper that can help you out:
1. Can You Find Some Weird Foreign Indian Kid That’s A Pussy?
Weird foreign dudes from India are super smart and will do pretty much what ever you say, cause what the fuck are they gonna say bro?  Nothing.  Once you find him, tell him some shit about how you can relate to him, even though he’s a weird tool.   Maybe say something like “Oh what up, Tanuj? I like that one God you have that looks like an elephant that’s got like twenty arms, bro.  I had a shirt of that elephant and he was holding twenty miller lites in all those hands, and the shirt said “Miller time!”  I got an HJ in that shirt.”  Then once you’ve befriended him, dangle the prospect of pussy in front of him and be like “I wiiiiish I could take you to this party at this one suuuuuper slutty chick’s house tonight, but I gotta do this paper.  She was gonna watch that cricket shit, I think.    Maybe you could just knock them both out and we could go.” 
2. Is There Any Way You Can Do This Paper In A Group With A Bunch Of Dorks?
A dork won’t write your paper for you, so you can’t use what you just learned on them.  Trust me, I went up to this dork in my Comm 101 class and I was like “that Iron man shirt is dope, that movie was sick.” and he was like, in this super gay voice “I think they weren’t as true to Tony Stark’s character.”  In my head I thought “I think they weren’t as true to you being a fag, bro” and even though I didn’t say that, he knew I thought that because dorks can tell you think that, and they won’t do your paper because of that.  But, if you’re in a group with them, they want to get a good grade so badly because it helps them forget they’re not tan and no chicks want to suck on their D, that they’ll do your work for you just to make sure they get an A.  Nice, bro. 

3. Is There Any Shit On The Internet?
Bro, the internet is huuuuuge as your mom’s pussy.  Oh shit.  If you just type in what your  paper is about, it’ll pull up a whole bunch of sites with information about it.  You don’t want that shit because that means you gotta sift through that stuff.  So instead type in what your papers about, and THEN type in the word “paper,” right after that.  Then pick one of those papers and turn it in.  Make sure to  click a few pages down bro, otherwise people could find that shit out.  Teachers are fags.  

28 Responses to "GUEST COLUMN – How To: Write A College Paper"

  1. justin says:
    holy shit.  I apologize.  I had no idea.  I’ll change the pic.  Thanks for letting us know.
  2. Franklin says:

    This advice is for the gheys

  3. Alpha Bro says:

    This article is totally bromosexual.

  4. tom says:

    Writing a college paper is the easiest thing in the world, WIKIPEDIA reword their words as your own, then go down to their list of sources and cite them as your own, it works until you get to your 300 level courses and then by that time you know enough people that you can use the papers they wrote because they already took the class.

    After 5 years of college, all I’ve really learned is how to beat the system.

  5. tdg says:

    It’s great that he’s perpetuating stereotypes isn’t it? Including the one about the white-racist-idiotic-douchebag frat bitches. Party on bra!

  6. Tnonymous says:

    I lol’d

  7. Anonymous says:

    Please remove the picture of Abhijit Mahato if you are going to refer to him as a weird indian guy. Fuck you. I hope someone you love dies and then some asshole puts their pic on some shitty website and makes fun of them.

  8. bitesize says:

    that guy was a tool.

  9. bitesize says:

    was? i mean IS a tool

  10. Julian says:

    Your websites look great!

  11. Anonymous says:

    lol no kidding. im pretty sure it was a joke, dude. can’t you tell satire when you read it?

  12. Sancho says:

    Good site, admin.

  13. Alexis says:

    Good site, admin.

  14. Anonymous says:

    ok dude bro, i can’t believe this author was asked to write this, this article is so fratastic i can’t stand it. have fun after college dude, bro, or should i say ignorant and down right stupid

  15. Alexis says:

    Good site, admin.

  16. Quaestor says:

    That was a little ridiculous but in hoc bro.

  17. Manbearpig says:

    That was totally within .. Brotocol… .. Very …. Brofessionally written as well.. But be careful on that internet one.. you gotta “Brotect ur ass against plagerism.. if thats how you spell it.. very broficient though

  18. Branonymous says:

    Top props for the popped collars broheim! This article was tits broseph and mad props on the HJ from the pledge bra!…or was it from chicks?

  19. Ken H says:

    Why are you worrying about a paper on a “Fri-nizzle.” Thats what Sunday’s are for. If you’re going to allow a guest writer, don’t let it be a Frat Boy. There has to be someone who can write a better article than a man who has to join a “brotherhood” just to make friends. While he is in his room on Fri-nizzle night, working on his paper, I am getting wasted and fucking (WHO THE FUCK WANTS A HANDJOB), laughing about the nerd (the frat boy) who is working on our group paper that night.

  20. Anonymous says:

    Way to post a pic of Abhijit Mahato, the Indian student that was murdered less than a year ago as your “Weird Foreign Indian Kid”. Classy all the way.

  21. GrandPooBarPhatCock says:

    the frat boy looks like a tard! is he trying to eat his ear lobe??? poor little bastard

  22. kigol says:

    frat guys are retards. it looks like he just took a sub-plot from a shitty hollywood slasher movie and injected racism. you fail, as I’m sure you do at life. and nice nickname fag boy.

  23. ballashotcalla says:

    He’s not just cool, he’s 6 popped collars cool!

  24. Tony says:

    This guys name should be Brad “McDouchey” McDonald…what a douche…by the way bro, did I mention you’re a douche?