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Guest Column: Mr. Bananas The Monkey Gives His Thoughts On Recent Monkey Attack

EDITOR’S NOTE: We like to hear from different perspectives.  So we were excited that Mr. Bananas, an adult Macaque at the San Diego zoo, wanted to share his thoughts on the recent chimp attack that’s been all over the news.
Okay, okay, everyone is freaking out about the monkey in Connecticut that ripped the face off that lady so let me first say this; we’re f*&king monkeys people.  We’re used to fuggin’ lions and jaguars and shit chasing us.  Have you ever had to shove your finger in a crocodile’s asshole to get him to loosen his jaws so you can escape?  In the jungle we call that shit “Tuesday.”  So when you take us out of the jungle, just because you put a diaper on us and have us wear a shirt from Urban Outfitters, that doesn’t mean I suddenly won’t freak the f*&k out and start trying to rip dude’s faces off when I hear a vacuum go on or something. 

Secondly, I don’t know exactly what happened with said monkey, because I don’t read the papers, I just poop on them, but why the hell would you ever let anything that throws its own shit and jacks off in public, get close enough to your face to tear it off?  I’m a fuggin monkey and the only time I let other monkeys get that close to me is if they got one of those big red asses that let’s me know they’re in heat, and even then, I make sure they back up in to me.   
So, in closing, don’t believe what you see in that dumb ass Matt LeBlanc movie where one of us plays third base.  I talked to that monkey, and he told me the only thing that kept him from royally f*&king up Matt LeBlanc’s shit every day was that he thinks they put something in his bananas. 

11 Responses to "Guest Column: Mr. Bananas The Monkey Gives His Thoughts On Recent Monkey Attack"

  1. Panzer says:

    Good site, admin.

  2. Hot says:

    Good site, admin.

  3. Anonymous says:

    the attack was by a chimp, which is an ape not a monkey, fucking retards

  4. FckTardsUnite says:

    Who the hell cares if it was an ape or your mom. This shit is funny.

  5. Jay T. says:

    In the jungle we call that shit “Tuesday.

    LOL – good stuff.

  6. Xhizors says:

    Good post, admin.

  7. it’s too hilarious!red ass…

  8. Paul says:

    You don’t see this side on CNN.. biased assholes..
    Thank god for you Holy Taco.

  9. TrillVille says:

    It’s fucked up but funny as hell.

  10. Anonymous says:

    That’s some funny shit

  11. Hotdog Neck says:

    It’s a My Cock monkey? awesome