Hello, The Public! It's me, Mayor Myron Lowery! Y'know, people have been giving me a hard time ever since I fist bumped the Dalai Lama a few days ago. People are using big words, like "disrespectful", "rude", and "totally ghettorrific". I don't even know what the last one means. It's just ridiculous. Nonetheless, I felt that I should make a public statement (besides the one I made to CNN) to explain my actions and my intentions, and I couldn't think of a more reputable, respectable publication through which to deliver my statement than Taco Man, or whatever this retarded website is called. Enough of the formalities, though! Let's get on with the explaining already!
A major complaint with my choice of ceremonial greeting for the Dalai Lama was that the fist bump is just too casual a greeting for such a highly respected Holy Man. To anyone who supports that argument, I would politely suggest that you go and f*ck yourself. You're probably a white dude from Seattle or something. Down here in Memphis, that's just how it is, ya hear me? Justin Timberlake, who is from the great city of Memphis, practically invented the fist bump, or was at the very least responsible for its recent surge in popularity. In fact, around Memphis, he's known as "Fistin Timberbump", which as you may have guessed is a crude fusion of his actual name with the phrase "fist bump", that's how often he uses the gesture.
Why, I've greeted dozens of truly awesome individuals with righteous fist bumps in the past. Once, at a Three 6 Mafia concert, I exchanged fist bumps with not only Juicy J, but also with Gangsta Boo and Crunchy Black. These people are not just powerful mafiosos, either. They also happen to be talented musicians on the side. These are notable and respected members of society who utilize the fist bump greeting on a regular basis. Surely the gesture must be suitable for any class of person, be they a crackheaded street urchin or a highly respected global embodiment of peace and human decency.
My motives for utilizing a classic fist bump with the Dalai Lama were not entirely based around me trying to seem really, really awesome in front of the Dalai (or Lam-Lam, as I came to know him over some Natty's and Barbecue), although I think everyone can acknowledge that it did in fact look really awesome. There was another more somber reason for my fist bump decision: F*ckin' Swine Flu, man.
It's been going around Memphis like herpes through a Real World cast. If you were me, the Mayor of Memphis, would you rather be known as the dude who fist bumped the Dalai Lama, or the dude who gave the Dalai Lama swine flu by rubbing my grubby, germ-infested hands all over the guy? Sure, it starts with a simple palm-to-palm handshake, and then before you know it, we're stroking each others' arms, and then giving each other hugs and massages, and then the next thing you know we've got our hands in the other guy's mouth. That's exactly how you get the Swine Flu in Memphis! Trust me: I know, because I'm the Mayor of this great city. We hate swines, we hate the flu, and we especially hate Swine Flu!
Having sufficiently stated my case, it's obvious what the next logical step is: we must petition Congress to make the fist bump the official greeting of the United States of America. It worked on the Dalai Lama, and I feel like he really liked it, so there's no reason to think that I couldn't simply fist bump Kim Jong, and Bin laden, and all those other f*ckheads who are messing things up. Fist bumping would fix everything once and for all. It makes sense to me, and that's really all that matters. Go Tigers! Fist Bump!
The important thing is that you fist-bumped the Dalai Lama, as opposed to fisting the Dalai Lama. I'm not even Buddhist but if you did that, I would be outraged.
(12 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
September 24th, 2009 at 08:00 pm
That was stunningly unwitty.
September 24th, 2009 at 08:12 pm
Go fuck yourself.
September 24th, 2009 at 08:27 pm
But do me first, robble robble.
September 24th, 2009 at 09:32 pm
Fuck you guys, just because he's a dignitary doesn't mean he can't be fist-bumped. He's a normal guy, too.
September 25th, 2009 at 03:29 pm
Whatever, I thought this was enjoyable.
September 25th, 2009 at 08:44 pm
I fisted the Dalai Lama.
September 26th, 2009 at 08:08 am
Bet THAT was enlightening ...
September 26th, 2009 at 08:33 am
The important thing is that you fist-bumped the Dalai Lama, as opposed to fisting the Dalai Lama. I'm not even Buddhist but if you did that, I would be outraged.
September 26th, 2009 at 10:24 pm
omg, you are like SOOOOOOOO awesome that you thought of that before, like, ANYBODY else.
oops, except the guy who said it before you.
September 27th, 2009 at 07:57 am
Maybe he was just tryin' to be a pain in the ass ;)
September 27th, 2009 at 07:58 am
I'm sorry, that was a real shitty thing to say. You must think I'm a huge gaping asshole.
September 27th, 2009 at 08:01 am
*rimshot*
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