Guest Column: Why NOT Create Anti-Gravity Mice?

 

You may have heard that me and some of my scientist buddies have been messing around with some mice lately, making them float around in anti-gravity chambers for weeks on end.  A lot of people say things like, "Hey, Science Guys, how come you have to make mice float in anti-gravity? You're so mean! Gosh, why do you guys have to be such assholes?!" People have been complaining about the shit we do to animals for decades, and we've blown them off for a long time because, well, we're just way, way smarter than they are.  I mean, if your dog complained about the way you dressed, would you feel compelled to justify your fashion sense to it?  Probably not (btw: we're working on talking, extremely judgemental dogs. Stay tuned!). 

 

Anyway, watching mice float around precariously in a magnetic anti-gravity field gets a little boring after a while, and while we were all sitting around shooting the shit, we decided that maybe we should finally defend ourselves, because this floating mouse stuff really is the coolest thing we've done in a long time, and it would totally suck if you animal-lovers took it away from us.  Naturally I, being the least-crazy looking scientist of all of us, was elected the official spokesperson, and I'd like to start by explaining to you just how f*cking cool floating mice are by using this simple, easy-to-understand graph:

 

 

There are probably some of you out there who aren't accustomed to data images, like the one above, which we super-smart scientists refer to as "graphs".  Therefore, I'm going to try to explain this in the simplest way possible, in terms that you normal people can understand: okay, y'know how cool normal mice are?  Now imagine if they could float in mid-air.  Pretty cool, right?  If that didn't convince you, then maybe this awesome graphic representation will get the point across:

 

 

I don't think I need to say anything more about that.  If you're one of the dull, normal people out there who knows how to tie your shoes, then you're probably smart enough to ask some kind of follow-up question like, "Why do we need floating mice?"  Well, think about it, non-genius: y'know how little kids are always buying mice from the pet store?  Well imagine how much more you could charge for a floating mouse!  Probably a lot more, right? So that's good for the economy.  Also, what's the worst thing about mice?  That they can breed so incredibly fast? That they quickly and efficiently infest and destroy any environment in which their population is not strictly controlled? That they spread filth and disease faster than Rosie O'Donnell at a barbecue restaurant lunch buffet? No, the worst thing about mice is that annoying little pitter-patter of their tiny feet scuttering across the floor.  So how can we eliminate that once and for all?  Well, we determined two possible methods: First: we could create anti-gravity mice.  Second: we could chop their legs off.  IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!!! DO YOU WANT US CHOPPING MICE FEET OFF ALL DAY?!!! DO YOU?!!!!!  I rest my case.