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Guest Column: You Are All a Bunch of Buttholes

 
Like most kids, my favorite time of year is Christmas time.  I don’t understand why Thanksgiving is so great, and I can’t wait until it’s over because that means it’s almost time for Christmas. That’s the time of year when it snows, and people play happy music and decorate their houses and people are in a good mood.  Most importantly, though, it’s the time of year when Santa comes to my house and leaves me a bunch of cool presents…or so I thought, until yesterday, when I got home from school and my own parents practically took a steaming poo on my face.  I came home to this:
 
 
First off, I know: my mom is hot.  She was placing some presents under the Christmas tree, and I was like, "oh, are those for me?!!" My mom said, "No, those are not for you. They’re for your cousins, who are coming over on Christmas Day." Being the inquisitive child that I am, I am not physically capable of not touching a wrapped up gift, so of course I started shaking the presents in an attempt to figure out what was inside of them. Unfortunately for my parents, I’m a smart kid who knows how to read single words, which I’m sure they were completely unaware of, because they’re clearly idiots. On the gift tag of one of the presents for my annoying cousin Chelsea, the tag read, quite simply:
 
Obviously, this got me thinking.  It’s only December 15th, and Santa is not supposed to come for 10 more days. So how the f*ck did Santa deliver a present for my cousin to my house 10 days early? Did he mail it to my parents? Are they in cahoots with each other? What the f*ck is going on here?!! Obviously, this raised many questions for me. Later that night, I decided to approach the problem head-on. When my dad was tucking me into bed, I just asked him straight up if Santa was real.  He paused for a long time, and then he said:

 
 
Any kid who doesn’t eat glue on a routine basis knows exactly what that answer means.  Parents: if you’re going to say that, you may as well just say:
 
 
 
Just in case you’re a retard, let me break this down for you: every year, I spend about 6 solid weeks anxiously awaiting Santa’s arrival.  I’m 8 years old right now.  That means that I’ve spent approximately an entire year of my life  waiting for a socially-imposed goddamn f*cking lie that every adult on Earth perpetuated deliberately and without remorse. You grown ups are a bunch of assholes!
My f*cking parents are the ones that have been buying those presents for me all these years.  And those letters that I wrote to Santa in crayon, talking about how I’ve been a really good kid all year, I haven’t pulled any girls’ hair at school, and I got good grades? My parents f*cking fake mailed those pieces of shit!  Oh, and that phone call I get every year from Santa, where he says "Ho Ho Ho" a lot and asks me what I want for Christmas? That’s was my Uncle f*cking Steve!  I feel like such an idiot!
 
Perhaps it’s difficult for you remember what it’s like to be a kid and have your entire world shattered before your very eyes.  After all, it’s probably been a while since you were last bamboozled to the extent that I’ve been for my entire f*cking life, but the next time you mention Santa to a little kid, think about how you would feel if you suddenly discovered that your spouse was a robot, or that Portland, Oregon doesn’t really exist, or that ponytails on dudes are actually cool.  Think about that feeling, because that’s exactly what you’re setting your kids up for when you play up the whole Santa Claus ruse, and for that I’m directing this final holiday message directly to you:
 
 

28 Responses to "Guest Column: You Are All a Bunch of Buttholes"

  1. Some Random Dude says:

    second

  2. End of the bit....... says:

    Last…….. For now

  3. hockeystar says:

    not any more motherfucker

  4. DaveLovesBacon says:

    If I catch Santa in my house I am gonna rape him and steal your kids presents!!

  5. DaveLovesBacon says:

    Oh….and first…

  6. Santa Claus says:

    Dave you have been a naughty boy this year!

  7. mikes says:

    So Santa’s not real? This was the google search results list on daddy’s PC. Well fuck being a good kid ever again!
    I wat to smoke and cuss!

  8. mikes says:

    Oops, “want”.

  9. T-Bonious Funk says:

    Exactly what is so fucking cool about being first?!!! Some of you a-holes REALLY need to get a life. I mean seriously, put your tiny pecker back in your shit-stained tighty-whiteys, clean out the registry on the jerk-machine, get your pasty-white ass up outta the computer chair in your mom’s basement, eat something with some actual nutrition in it for a change, and go outside for a while. Get some sun, go to the mall, do a crossword puzzle, serve soup at the homeless shelter, help and old lady cross the street; do fucking something — ANYTHING! — other than creep around the blogosphere hoping to be “first.” Chances are if you’re “first,” you’re really “last” … as in “LOSER.”

  10. MOWREZ says:

    Says the guy that takes up to 20 minutes writing a long ass comment…

  11. T-Bonious Funk says:

    Acutally, it only took about 45 seconds. I wouldn’t waste 20 minutes on it; that’s 20 minutes of my life I would never get back.

  12. whackopotomus says:

    t bonius funk can crawl back into his mothers crusty old cobweb infested baby hole and while hes at it he can go back to his corner and masturbate using his own tears as lubrication

  13. Furst says:

    First

  14. dred furst says:

    first

  15. T-Bonious Funk says:

    FIRST

  16. Dead_Frankz says:

    FIRST! u like cock man!

  17. The Original (and Only) T-Bonious Funk says:

    Hey, whackopotomus, let me dismount your mom first, you translucent-skinned, puny-prick, mom’s basement-dwelling knob-gobbler.

    “T-Bonious Funk Says:
    December 16th, 2009 at 06:52 pm
    FIRST”

    Ok, this a-hole is unoriginal, ’cause that wasn’t me, of course.

    “Dead_Frankz Says:
    December 16th, 2009 at 08:57 pm
    FIRST! u like cock man!”

    Not as much as I like people who can spell and use proper grammar.

  18. Dead_Frankz says:

    Aww you hurt my feelings!….But you still love the cock

  19. Steve says:

    That little kid is a psycotic killer in 10 years gaurenteed

  20. Steve's English Teacher says:

    You spelled psychotic wrong.

  21. Steve Spells Like He Has Shit For Brains says:

    *guarantee*

  22. Steve says:

    I know I spelled it wrong

  23. Your Mom's says:

    In my room. I like her.

  24. My Mom says:

    you have a small dick.

  25. BillyBlaze says:

    So when Dog The Bounty Hunter tracked down Santa that wasn’t real? Was it just some random guy with a white beard that he tasered?

  26. Duane Chapman says:

    As a bounty hunter, I have to dress the part. If I came to the door and looked like Carrot Top, you’d laugh.

  27. doom says:

    lmfao the comments are always funnier than the articles watching you idiots insult each other