You sons of bitches. Do you realize how hard we work to please you? We never shit on the floor inside the house, just like you asked. We never lick our dog privates for too long, or in front of company, because we don't want to embarass you. We even do that fancy f*ckin' walk at all the dog shows, just like you want us to. All we want is for you to allow us to maintain a little bit of dignity. We're poodles, so life's already pretty undignified from the get-go. They you decided to make us into show poodles. At this point, the only morsel of pride we have left lies in the fact that we're dogs, so if we decide to unexpectedly start humping an inanimate object, people won't be too judgmental about it. Here's a picture of me at a recent dog show. Can you see just how stunded and debilitated my pride and self-respect has become already?
Look at me. I look like a complete jackass. We all do. But having show poodles wasn't enough for you, was it? No. You decided that it would be so much fun if you entered us in a Creative Dog Grooming Show, where they chop up our fur, spray paint us, and tape shit all over us to make us look like something other than a dog. WHY THE F*CK DO YOU WANT TO DRESS YOUR DOG UP TO LOOK LIKE A F*CKING PONY?!!!!
Do you think people are going to be fooled by this? Will they be like, "Oh, look! That poodle-sized horse is desperately humping that couch cushion." And WHAT THE F*CK IS THIS?!
A f*cking Panda Bear? I don't even understand what a Panda Bear is, and even I can tell that this is f*cking retarded. How is this any different that throwing all of us poodles in a pit and making us fight each other to the death? You're pitting us in a battle to the death against our dignity and self-respect as dogs! Seriously, if I could tie a noose, I would hang myself from the top of my traveling crate. I'm serious about that. Some of you are going to come back with responses like, "but Pandas are cool!" and "but ponies are cool, too!". You might be able to convince some people with those arguments, but there's no way your going to explain your way out of this:
Y'know what that's supposed to be? A f*cking snail. A psychadelic snail. Is that what you really want us to be? Some drug-induced puddle of slime? Why did you even buy a dog? Why didn't you just take the thousands of dollars you invested in our show careers and dump it all into LSD and endangered bears and livestock and the other worthless shit that you're turning us into? Plus, this moronic costume doesn't look anything like a f*cking snail! It's got a bullshit spiral on it, and that's IT. Also, YOU PAINTED A F*CKING FLOWER ON MY ASS! Uncool, poodle owners. I'm glad you decided to express your love and appreciation for all my hard work by dressing me up like a retarded gastropod from a David Lynch fever dream.
In case you haven't realized it yet, I'm trying to make you feel guilty for putting us on flamboyant display, like a roofied college boy at Rip Taylor's Halloween party. If it's working, then here's a suggestion for something that you can do to repay us: Y'know that jug of antifreeze that you have in the garage? Leave it down on the ground where we can get to it. Seriously, do that. Even better: pour it right into our food. Pour it right down our throats, and end this terrible waking nightmare that we're being subjected to.
If I'm going to be dressed up like a f*cking buffalo or something, then I'd like to be dead when it happens. That way, when they find my lifeless body in the garage, maybe they'll mistakenly report that a majestic buffalo, or a rare and beautiful panda bear was found dead, instead of some f*cking gay-ass poodle dressed up and spray painted to look like a different animal for no reason. In conclusion, I'd like to remind you that if you ever fall asleep next to us again, we've all agreed to flip out and tear out your larynx with our psychadelic snail jaws. It's the least we can do to pay you back for this, you rotten sons of bitches.
first, shopped, philosopher sucks, that's a dude, tono tono tono, you're a douche, you misspelled that, fuck you asshole, no fuck YOU asshole, you suck dicks, i'd eat the corn out of her shit, i fucked your sister, philosopher still sucks
wow, your ignorant, and none of them are shopped this all can be done, if you ever visit manicpanic they sell natural dyes for pets and humans, and beleive it or not there are alot of professional dog groomers who do this for tons of money, because rich people just can't stick to cool cars, they need a cool dog.
poodles are just overdone dogs, dogs wanna be dogs not horses or dress up kids toys that breathe, if you own a poodle and do this you should be shot and eaten by that poodle.
If you want a dog buy a dog, if you want to be an artist, buy some paint and some canvas.
I love dogs and some of the things people do to their pets is wierd.
Funny post though, if I were one of those unfortunate dogs I would have gone with the whole "tear out you larynx while you sleep" thing first off.
Did you guys run out of interesting shit to write about?
We got the Obamanation happenin'.
We got hot chicks getting naked everywhere.
We got football about to kickoff.
We got Google Translate speaking Yiddish.
We got the price of Xbox Pro dropping.
We got hot chicks getting naked everywhere. (Yeah I know a repeat, but I say the important stuff twice.)
And all you've got to write about is f*ckin poodles.
(13 Comments)
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Holy Taco Goes to the Bahamas
August 27th, 2009 at 04:08 pm
first, shopped, philosopher sucks, that's a dude, tono tono tono, you're a douche, you misspelled that, fuck you asshole, no fuck YOU asshole, you suck dicks, i'd eat the corn out of her shit, i fucked your sister, philosopher still sucks
August 27th, 2009 at 04:11 pm
wow, your ignorant, and none of them are shopped this all can be done, if you ever visit manicpanic they sell natural dyes for pets and humans, and beleive it or not there are alot of professional dog groomers who do this for tons of money, because rich people just can't stick to cool cars, they need a cool dog.
August 27th, 2009 at 04:57 pm
He was being sarcastic you fucking douche
August 27th, 2009 at 05:07 pm
he didnt say it was shopped. He just listed what everyone else was gonna say, and at least one person was gonna say these are shopped...
August 27th, 2009 at 04:08 pm
poodles are just overdone dogs, dogs wanna be dogs not horses or dress up kids toys that breathe, if you own a poodle and do this you should be shot and eaten by that poodle.
August 27th, 2009 at 04:24 pm
The fuck is this shit?
August 27th, 2009 at 05:21 pm
It's about time you brought back the funny stuff! Good job taco....Now, back to the tit pics.....
August 27th, 2009 at 07:19 pm
It's true, animals do say the darndest things. Like these guys: www.namethegarels.com
August 27th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
There is tons of funny stuff hot chicks at WWW.SQUIBCRIB.COM.
August 28th, 2009 at 07:53 am
i lolled
August 28th, 2009 at 01:05 pm
If you want a dog buy a dog, if you want to be an artist, buy some paint and some canvas.
I love dogs and some of the things people do to their pets is wierd.
Funny post though, if I were one of those unfortunate dogs I would have gone with the whole "tear out you larynx while you sleep" thing first off.
August 31st, 2009 at 11:14 pm
Damn.
Did you guys run out of interesting shit to write about?
We got the Obamanation happenin'.
We got hot chicks getting naked everywhere.
We got football about to kickoff.
We got Google Translate speaking Yiddish.
We got the price of Xbox Pro dropping.
We got hot chicks getting naked everywhere. (Yeah I know a repeat, but I say the important stuff twice.)
And all you've got to write about is f*ckin poodles.
Shit!
September 4th, 2009 at 08:58 pm
poodles? seriously? POODLES?!? SERIOUSLY?!!? POODLES?!!?!!? SERIOUSLY?!!?!!?
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