By this time tomorrow you will most likely be sitting around friends and family, reminiscing on all the great times you’ve had and thinking about the many more great times you have to come, as the scent of poultry and other savory items waft through the air. This is, of course, is assuming you’re not the one doing the cooking, and the festivities are not being held in your home. If you fall in to this second category, then tomorrow will finally be the day you confuse the turkey for your family and your turkey baster for an automatic weapon, injecting the subtle brine-y flavor of lead and death in to their roasting bodies.
Family annoyances aside, Thanksgiving is all about the food. It just isn’t Thanksgiving without the food. If it weren’t for the over-the-top meal, Thanksgiving would just be another federal holiday that we use as an excuse to get high and play Call of Duty all day, while intercutting these acts with short naps and only a moment of true thankfulness that we didn’t get in to an industrial accident this past year that severed our jerk-off hand.
There are a lot of variations of the Thanksgiving meal, and nearly every family has their own, unique twist on the style of the dishes served, but, regardless, there are some classic mainstays that a vast majority of people stick to that you should consider serving.
Cranberry Sauce – The only other time you will willingly consume a cranberry is when you’re trying to recapture the youth you never had by drinking Cosmos like those Sex and the City girls, or when your urethra feels like it’s being split in two by bladder goblins. Cranberry sauce also represents a strange hypocrisy found within the more squeamish members of our respective families, as they will watch all of two seconds of a horror movie up to the point that someone’s brains start spilling out everywhere, but you put a fruit-based food product that looks exactly like obliterated skull chunks on to some fine china and they’re going back for seconds.
Sweet Potatoes – The sweet potato is the Tito to the regular potato’s Michael.
Mashed Potatoes – Christ, more starch, you fat f*ck? My God, are you actively participating in your own drawn out suicide, or are you just trying to turn your love handles in to malevolence grips? If you’re going to make these alongside stuffing and sweet potatoes, at least have the common decency to add a couple tablespoons of butter per spud just to round out the whole “My loss of willingness to live can be summed up by the mountain of fat on my plate” attitude towards life.
Green Bean Casserole – Hey, look at that. It’s a green thing no one but your grandparents will eat, because only old people that waste away in puddles of their own waste can stand the experience of eating a dish of green that smells like the piss of a mysterious third party that must have broken in to your home and relieved himself on your fresh produce – that’s the only logical explanation. Nobody wants to eat the green beans, but it’s tradition, almost ritualistic — and like most rituals we humans perform, it’s stupid and we hate the asshole that came up with it.
Stuffing – Something some of us have been known to put inside the bird because we like the idea of slicing the torso of an animal and discovering that it’s entrails are made of moist bread with some fragrant leaves in it. It makes us feel like we’re living in a crazy awesome magical land where food comes pre-stuffed with other food. Speaking of which…
Turkey – It’s exactly like a chicken, just bigger, and we don’t like it enough to eat it as often. The turkey is also a meat that pairs itself well with other meats, particularly when it is rammed straight up the ass of another meat, which is then rammed up the ass of yet another meat. When this happens, we call it a Turducken. When birds eventually and inevitably rise up, fight back, and perform this same act upon us, we will call it “serial killer mentality”. Change the perspective and all of a sudden shit ain’t so tasty anymore.
Alcohol – Any kind of alcoholic beverage at large family meals can have a strange effect on people. For some, it sooths away the stresses brought on by dealing with the chromosome-lacking cave-dwellers that pollute their family tree; but for others it acts as the perfect renewable energy source to fuel their hateful, racist, sexist, homophobic and anti-Semitic diatribes. With anger juice running through Uncle Ronnie’s system it’s in no way surprising to hear sentences like, “You know, Carol, I’m just not that big a fan of this turkey. It’s dry, tasteless, and I hate your Jew boyfriend.” Never fear, though. Uncle Ronnie will finally be arrested on his outstanding warrant by Christmas dinner. He’ll be dead by Easter – proof that there truly are things in this world to be thankful for.