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Gwyneth Paltrow: World’s Greatest Troll?

It used to be, celebrities were revered as Gods. They could do no wrong, and were revered as borderline-perfect because they were in movies and looked FAH-bulous 24/7. Any ugliness in their personal lives were swept under the rug, painting pictures of infallible heroes even the Pope could admire.

Not anymore. Now, the more “real” a celebrity is, the more we like them. That’s why Jennifer Lawrence became a media darling after tripping and falling everywhere and making stupid faces at inappropriate times. And it’s why paparazzi photos of glamorous movie stars wearing 99-cent flip-flops and no makeup are such big business. We love nothing more than continued confirmation that, with a bit of luck, hard work, and all the right family connections, we could easily become just as rich and famous.

Enter Gwyneth Paltrow, who adheres to the old-timey version of celebrity, and does so from a stratosphere so pretentious it’s a wonder her head hasn’t exploded from the lack of oxygen. Everything that’s come out of her mouth recently screams “rich and privileged white girl,” and it seems everybody hates her for it.

Her website teaches you how to live life better as long as you’re filthy rich enough to do it. She referred to her divorce as a “conscious uncoupling.” She bragged about how her children only have one Coke a week. And she poo-poo’d processed food with “I’d rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin.” It seems her every waking moment is designed to remind us little people that we’re extremely little, and not at all worthy of the good life.

Or, more likely, she’s the most dedicated celebrity troll since Andy Kaufman.


And almost as pretty.

Paltrow is playing us all like a gold-plated fiddle with strings made out of panda bear intestines. She knows everything she’s saying is stupid and guaranteed to piss good, decent, Wal-Mart shoppers right the hell off. She knows what people are saying about her, and she doesn’t care. Not because she thinks she’s right, and certainly not because she can’t read. Rather, it’s because she knows every bit of outrage from the blogosphere gets her attention and keeps her in the public eye. We prove her right every time we craft obscenity-driven Facebook updates about how she admitted to drinking all day when her kids were babies because “how else could I get through my day?”


Children are our future. And so is AA.

So when she attends a party, is all smiles, and then complains about how “un-fun” it was the day after, she’s saying it because that’s a one-way ticket to Outrageville. And being the mayor of Outrageville is an extremely important and powerful position these days. Almost as powerful as being the mayor of Vapid Idiot Land, which she also rules with an iron fist. Not everybody can rule two sprawling lands at the same time, but she does so expertly.


This slacker can only handle one.

When she says shit like “We’re human beings and the sun is the sun—how can it be bad for you? I don’t think anything that’s natural can be bad for you,” or “I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year,” she’s simply stating her case for re-election. And the way she’s going, she’ll amass a longer term in office than Diamond Joe Quimby could ever hope for.

Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t a sheltered rich girl with too much time on her hands — she’s a method actor who’s turned her every public appearance and interview scenes from her 24/7 movie where she’s the star.


Which is a hell of a lot easier than making real movies all the damn time.

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