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Hamster Asses, Doorknob Licking, And Other Strange Japanese Obsessions

(Ooh yeah gurl, jiggle that ass.)

By Dustin Seibert

I realize that it’s the antithesis of political correctness to make sweeping generalizations about a whole group of people, especially if that generalization teands toward the negative. But man…the Japanese are just plain effing weird.

Time and again, Japan’s cultural quirks prove that something is going on in their heads that we in the Western world have a hard time grasping. Case in point: Hamuketsu, which literally translates to “hamster butt,” is a new craze in which books of hamster asses are flying off the shelf.  I mean, hamsters are cute and all, but hamster asses? Word??

It only gets weirder and scarier from there. Here are just a few of many other examples:

Used Panty Vending Machines – Because the Japanese are completely unapologetic regarding their love of schoolgirls in Sailor Moon outfits, it only makes sense that they have vending machines where you can buy girls’ used panties for about $50 USD a pop. But since no one can prove they’ve actually been worn by girls, the panty-buying consumer should always proceed with caution.

Hentai Tentacle Porn – I discovered when I was a kid heavily into mainstream anime that there’s a subculture of the stuff that involves the rape of young ladies (girls?) by evil monsters with appendages that resemble something between a double-ended dildo and Doctor Octopus’ tentacles. My local video store kept this shit out on the floor and not the Triple-X backroom because clearly none of the employees had actually bothered to watch them. Yay for 12-year-old me.

Extreme Bukkake – Speaking of porn, it only makes sense that Japanese would be into the next level stuff. Remember “2 Girls 1 Cup”? Well that’s pretty much a concept borne from Japanese porn. Pick a bodily fluid — any bodily fluid — and excrete it all over your partner in the name of sexy time. Bukkake originally signified several people busting nuts on one person, but that’s de rigueur in porn around the world now. Taking dumps in folks’ mouths? Bet you’re much more likely to find those DVDs in Tokyo somewhere.

Yaeba (fang teeth) – Who knows why the illusion of needing a good dentist is considered “fierce,” but I’m past asking questions at this juncture. Young girls in Japan are undergoing dental procedures — both temporary and permanent — that give them sharp, vampire-esque upper canines. And keeping with the country’s whole pedo trend, the pointy grills resemble those of very young girls whose teeth are still growing in, which likely indicates that Yaeba sexualizes that quality. Stay classy, Japan.

Doorknob Shojo – Literally a fetish for girls licking doorknobs. Nothing else left to say here, really.

Suicide – Seems like every time I look up, a Chinese person is killing him or herself for really asinine reasons. But the Japanese also have a suicide culture that is so prominent, the government has actually allocated money to deal with the problem. Experts think it goes back to the ritual, “honorable” suicides of ancient Samurai; I say if you take your life because your high school coach yelled at you for being a pansy, you should probably just take his advice and stop being a pansy.

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