It’s Wednesday, which means we’re giving up trying to entertain you. We do this every Wednesday, but this is the one Wednesday all year that we have a legitimate excuse to stop trying half-way through the week – it’s Thanksgiving! Perhaps that finest holiday of any year, including odd-numbered years that occur during leap years in which we are all given one day to sexually grope strangers with no repercussions. I don’t know why this holiday exists. I think it has something to do with moon phases. Regardless, Thanksgiving is better than that day because all you get that day is the squeeze of a titty. On Thanksgiving, you get turkey, gravy, stuffing, and pie. Titties ain’t got shit on turkey and pie.
Seeing as you are our precious readers and without you we can’t get that precious traffic and, in turn, can’t get that precious cash that we get paid to do write barely cohesive horseshit all day, we want to make sure each and every one of you have a very safe and fun holiday. We will do this by showing up at your individual homes at some point this weekend. Once there, we will eat your Thanksgiving meal or your leftovers, depending on what exactly what time and day we get to your house, and we will watch you with a watchful eye as we watch to make sure you don’t do anything to jeopardize us losing your readership, thus ruining this whole writing-dick-jokes-for-money scheme we’ve got running here.
If you’re frying a turkey, make sure you do it outdoors, or maybe in the living room of your nemesis, Todd. God, Todd should just die, right? It’s amazing how much Todd sucks, like when he’s all, “Hi, Luis!” and I’m all, “Die, Todd.”
Todd! Pfft! What a cock! And by saying that I don’t mean it like “Man, what an amazing cock that Todd fellow has!”
It’s not like I’ve seen it.
Todd’s awful, so I can only assume his cock is vastly inferior to yours. Yeah, that’s right. Yours – the collective cock of the Holy Taco readership…whom we hope have a safe and fun Thanksgiving weekend!
Bam! That’s how you save a derailing train! With amazing transitional sentences!
So, eat your turkey, drink your booze, cry at the dinner table when your family starts screaming, and then take a nap and do it all over again while you watch It’s A Wonderful Life!, reeking of tears and turkey vomit. That’s what the holidays are all about!