Pull up a Yule log and pour yourself some nog, Holy Taco has a tale of holiday woe and crapitude for you. As you’d expect this time of year, there are many gifts to be bought for many loved ones and people you are obligated to spend time with alike. But what’s the best gift you can purchase for someone this year if by best you mean most horribly exploitative, cheap and trashy? If you guessed the Justice Coin, you were right.
The Justice Coin, minted by a company so prestigious they’ve never done anything else, is worth over $100. How much over? Probably a million. It commemorates the events of not just September 11th, but also that day we blew Osama bin Laden’s head off because a coin has two sides and that’s twice the commemoration of one sided shit.
Layered in 24K gold over one million diamond jubilee strontium jade molybdenum infused vintage denim, these coins feature quotes from not one but two presidents. Take this time to go through your change and see how many presidents your current coins quote. If you’re lucky you’ll have that shitty Nixon “is this my sandwich?” nickel, but that’s it. This coin has the words of both George W Bush and Barack Obama, making it also interracial, which is twice as sexy as outerracial.
One side features the inspirational phrase “You can run but you cannot hide” and shows Seal Team 6, as well as their stealth helicopter. Do you have stealth helicopters on any other coins? Of course not, they’re too stealthy. But this coin is even stealthier and so it has the helicopter!
The other side of the coin features randomly place images of things destroyed on September 11th. Random because America has learned and now we’re all over the place, you can’t catch us, terror! Are we here? No, we’re here! And there! And behind you! LOOK OUT TERROR!
If you hurry up and order now, you’ll also get a silver coin! It’s 24K silver (just go with it) layered over top of pure milk chocolate and the bones of Michael Jackson fused with stones from a meteor that wrote 15 pages of the King James Bible! It’s exactly the same as the gold coin and yet entirely different and capable of granting wishes! But it only grants wishes for other people!
In addition to these two exclusive coins that can travel though time, you will also receive two acrylic capsules. The capsules look like they’re meant to store the coins but actually each one contains breath from either Cher or Harry Belafonte!
You will also receive a certificate of authenticity to prove this is really not a knock off coin not made of solid unobtanium alloy and petrified unicorn semen (also known as Chinaman’s Cobalt and San Francisco Sunshine). You certificate will be printed on a genuine Lexmark printer with paper purchased on sale from Staples.
You will also receive a gold lapel pin. HAND CRAFTED BY JESUS AND ZEUS IN THUNDERDOME!
Finally, you will also be graced with a military briefing pack which is our way of saying a bunch of bullshit we printed about whatever the hell we felt like because clearly you can’t read what it says anyway. Awww yeah!