10 Reasons to Have Your Next Meal at the Heart Attack Grill

We’ve spent a fair amount of time making fun of America’s eating habits, and the establishments that support them, but usually we were exaggerating, or even fabricating the stories to point out the ridiculousness of the whole thing. We never, in a million years would’ve thought that our stretching of the truth would become the actual truth. There’s now a real restaurant, in Las Vegas, excess capitol of the devil’s asshole, called “The Heart Attack Grill.” It’s a restaurant that specializes in and unabashedly advertises large amounts of greasy, unhealthy food. Since we’ve done all we can, using internet humor, to warn everyone of the slippery slope our culture is sliding down, and nobody seems to notice, we’re going to give you good reasons to embrace the bad things. We’d love to tell you shouldn’t eat there, because you’ll die, but you would just think we were joking. So here’s ten good reasons to say “screw it” and have your next meal at Las Vegas’s Heart Attack Grill…

10. If you weigh over 350 pounds you eat for free!

That’s right, if you’ve made it a point to keep eating even after you’re full, you’re life’s work is about to pay off.

9. Their signature dish is called the “Quadruple Bypass Burger.”

That’s four half-pound burger patties, topped off with cheese and bacon. Hold the lettuce, Sally. You ain’t a rabbit!

8. They cook their fries in lard.

Starch cooked in pure fat. Doesn’t get any better than that!

7. They make milkshakes out of buttermilk.

Ever been drinking a milkshake and thought “I wish this were ice cream.” It’s kind of like that.

6. The entire restaurant is hospital-themed.

Just to remind you that you’re slowly killing yourself, and the food you’re ingesting in such large proportions is slowing down the flow of blood to everywhere it needs to go.

5. They sell unfiltered cigarettes.

Because if you’re going to do it, do it right.

4. The waitresses are dressed like nurses, but look like strippers.

It’s Vegas, so nobody can look real, unless they’re just visiting.

3. Their last spokesperson died.

Making her the ultimate spokesperson. Like the Marlboro man, but fat.

2. They’re completely honest.

The sign outside their place says “Caution, bad for your health.”

1. You just don’t care anymore.

You’ve completely given up. You’ve traded in your jeans for sweatpants and bought a larger bed. You’ve decided that you are going to have to be cut out of your own house by the time you’re forty, and you don’t care if you can ever scratch your own back, or see your own penis again. Enjoy the burgers.