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Herman Cain for President! (A Holy Taco Endorsement)

herman cain for president

We get some crap on Holy Taco for being too liberal.  People say we hate FOX and Republicans and it’s not true at all.  We don’t hate Republicans.  We do hate FOX, they’re idiotic, condescending, crooked, unethical and pretty much straight up liars.  But Republicans, in general, are just people who support a particular political viewpoint that, even if it’s different than ours, is no less relevant or important.  Now, if you were to start listing specific Republicans – George Bush, Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, we could start making jokes.  It’s just an unfortunate condition of the Republican Party that so many of our nation’s most prominent idiots happen to share their beliefs.

 

To further the Republican agenda, we have decided to lend our support to a GOP candidate.  It wasn’t easy narrowing the field down; do you support Palin because she’s so hot?  Bachmann because she’s so hilarious?  Perry because he’s so good at winning?  When it came down to the wire, it was our man Herman Cain who stood head and shoulders above the competition as the candidate for Holy Taco. This doesn’t mean you should vote for Cain, it just means we endorse him. There is a difference.  It’ll probably be clear by the end of the article.

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Before deciding he wanted to run the country, Herman Cain was a business man.  And not just any business man, strolling the American countryside in a suit from Sears selling smokeless ashtrays and knives that can cut a tin can as easily as a tomato to housewives in Des Moines.  Cain was the kind of business man who worked at Coca-Cola, then Pillsbury, then Burger King then Godfather Pizza.  Herman Cain made it his business to pump your ass full of carbs for years.  Years!  His life was a Coke, a crescent roll, a burger and New York style pepperoni.

 

What did Palin do?  Govern Alaska?  Alaska is so awful even the Russians didn’t want it and they produced T.a.t.u. And Mitt Romney?  Management consulting.  That doesn’t even mean anything.  For real, it’s not even a job.  No, Herman Cain is clearly the GOP candidate based on business experience.

 

Gay Marriage

 

Like many Republicans, Herman Cain is against same sex marriage.  It literally took us 5 minutes of hard thought on the toilet to come up with a way we can spin that for this article; here’s what we came up with!  Hope you like it.

 

Cain feels that the government has let the people down when it comes to marriage.  And frankly, Holy Taco agrees.  Not about the gay part, about the government letting us down.  The divorce rate in the US is one of the highest in the world.  This, in turn, leads to the proliferation of idiot ex-spouses on daytime TV bickering with one another and ruining our culture.  Not to mention leading to the creation of oversexed and overwrinkled cougars who have been locked in loveless marriages for years before finally breaking free and taking our their frustrations on young men whose first vaginas should not be so beef jerky-like.

 

The government would do well to institute some kind of pre-marriage living arrangements, whereby prospective couples are forced to spend an intense, rigorous “life simulation” together, sort of like the biodome, where they are not allowed to be apart for at least a year.  They work together, live together, eat together, even put up with one partner brushing their teeth in the bathroom while the other pees.  If, after a solid year, you can still stand that person, you will be granted license to marry.  This offer is void in situations where past infidelity, massive crack use, mob ties or dropping out of school before the age of 15 has occurred.  Those people just shouldn’t be married at all.

 

Stance on Muslims

Herman Cain will probably not be getting a lot of votes from the Muslim community thanks to his stance on their faith, but frankly, that’s why we endorse him here too.  Just to be clear, we don’t agree with his stance on Muslims, we just endorse him because of his stance.  Confused?  Don’t be, and here’s why – Richard Pryor.  Paul Mooney.  Chris Rock.  Russell Peters.  Dave Chappelle.  Any comedian, anywhere in America or abroad, who has used racial tension and issues to get a laugh.

 

Racism can be dealt with in a handful of ways.  You can ignore it, to no one’s benefit.  You can support it, which is even worse.  You can denounce it, which is noble, or you can make a terrible mockery of it, which is fantastic.  Like the monster under your bed, you rob the strength from it when you face it head on and start making jokes at its expense.

 

In case you weren’t aware, Cain has said he would not appoint a Muslim to his cabinet for fear that they would sneak some Sharia law into the government somewhere.  Like maybe in their lunch bag, or a hollowed out shoe or something.  And Lord knows, once you get Sharia Law, it’s almost impossible to get rid of.  You can put out traps or use gas but it just keeps coming back and next thing you know, women aren’t allowed to drive.

 

Cain said on a different occasion that communities have the right to ban mosques.  None of this is particularly funny at face value, but if he becomes President we like to think Cain will start dropping the punch lines so we can all enjoy his jokes.  Racial humor is a sensitive subject, it’s one of those taboos that makes you laugh half for the value of the joke itself and half from the terrible feeling that you shouldn’t be laughing at all.  Holy Taco fully endorses this kind of drawn out joke telling and we fully expect Cain to start ripping on the Polish soon.

 

Racial Confusion for Supporters

 

Herman Cain is the first African American Republican candidate to run for the GOP nomination, so long as you ignore the handful of other people who have done it in the past.  That’s a big deal.  And bigger than previous attempts is that Cain is actually a front runner.  He has a serious chance of running against Barack Obama in the 2012 election.  And that would mean America, for the first time ever, would be choosing between two African American candidates for President.  And that would confuse the ever loving shit out of a small but shameful group of Republican party supporters – the dirty, dirty racists.

 

The right has long been accused of racism and this is an unfair portrait.  Certainly not all Republicans are racist, not a majority or even a significant number.  The problem, appearance wise, is that the Republican base is often in the Southern US which has an unfortunate history of racism.  Likewise, some conservative values are said to mesh with racist agendas.  Abortions and welfare, things supported generally by Democrats, are seen as inner city problems by some and generally opposed by Republicans.  This can easily degrade into a racial argument, saying Republicans are out to get minorities.  Republicans, of course, are just more interested in keeping their own money and not in helping you with your issues regardless of your race.

 

Forcing the racist subgroup of America, regardless of their political leanings, to choose a member of a visible minority as their leader, is funny.  If you vote, you have to vote for a black man in 2012 if Cain gets the nomination.  And for that reason, Holy Taco also endorses Herman Cain.

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