Hey, Dunkin’ Donuts, yeah, I’m talking to you…
So, I went to one of your stores for the first time in a while and, well, here’s what I have to say…
Stop being a bunch of lazy donut slinging pricks and stop selling festive donuts that are nothing more than your regular selection of donuts, just with some holiday appropriate sprinkles on top.
On the rare occasion that I walk in to one of your stores for a sweet donut and my eye is drawn to what appears to be a wholly new creation from your donut laboratories, I can’t help but order one to give my taste buds a new donutty sensation they’ve never had before. “Maybe for Valentine’s Day they’ve figured out how to make a rose petal jelly that is both innovative and surprisingly delicious?” is along the lines of what I usually think when a major holiday rolls around and Dunkin’ Donuts is promoting a new theme donut that I see plastered across their storefront windows.
For thinking this, I am, of course, a f*cking idiot. Dunkin’ Donuts, you don’t give a shit about creating anything new. You don’t care. All of your donuts are the same thing repeated over and over again, just this time it’s got green sprinkles for St. Patrick’s Day, or red sprinkles for Valentine’s Day, or orange and brown sprinkles for Halloween. And gods forbid you deviate from the Boston Crème/Jelly filling rule, lest you want some riots on your hands.
As I said, I don’t go in to your stores too often, but when I do I want to see some level of innovation; some daring; some balls. It sounds monumentally stupid, I admit, but I want to see you give a shit about making donuts. If you’re going to add a new donut to the menu, even it’s only for a limited time, show some passion and intelligence. Try something new; something innovative; something different. Experiment! I can add festive sprinkles to all the turds in a dog park but I would have not made any of the turds any different. At all. Now they’re just Christmas-y dog turds, as if Santa’s reindeer had swooped in, taken a dump, and flew off again. I don’t know how any of that is relevant, but it feels relevant, right? That’s what’s important here. That’s my main point: make me feel like your supposedly timely and relevant donuts are actually timely and relevant and not the same rehashed thing with a new, completely flavorless topping.
This might be the lamest complaint every lobbed toward your company, and maybe the lamest, most pathetic thing I’ve ever complained about, but I just think your practices are so damn lazy that it’s offensive. When I eat a St. Patrick’s Day donut, I want to taste something St. Patrick’s-y. Make it taste like the green vomit of a college freshmen with a low alcohol tolerance – I don’t care. Just do something to the flavor that makes me feel like you’ve actually put some work and some thought in to doing something different and that you’re open to offering different experiences, even if it’s only for a short while.
Jesus Christ, I never thought I’d ever rant about donuts. Do you see what you’ve done to me, Dunkin’ Donuts?! DO YOU SEE?!