Hey Everybody, Lady Gaga Has Something to Say!

Hey everybody, listen up! Lady Gaga has something to say, and since she’s not dressed like an asshole or covered in fake blood, I guess it must be pretty friggen important.

Oh wow, she wants us all to call our senators and ask them to repeal the military’s policy of "don’t ask don’t tell." That’s funny, because immediately after hearing her plea, I called my senators and asked them not to. Not because I’m against it (I’m not), but because I hate Lady Gaga with all the power of a hydrogen bomb going off inside the middle of an erupting volcano. If she asked me to help fight childhood cancer, I would immediately adopt a child and force it to sit on a running microwave while talking on two 1980′s-era cellphones (one on each ear). And I’d force him to call my senators and ask them to vote against anything that would fight childhood cancer. If she asked me to come out against pedophilia, I would immediately become a practicing catholic and tithe 70% of my earnings to the church. I would give the remaining 30% directly to pedophiles. If she asked me to have sex with Gisele Bundchen, I would instead seek out and bang Tom Brady (no, really). I know this type of reactionary behavior is stupid, but I don’t give a good god damn! I will never listen to someone who self applies the title of Lady Gaga. Logic be damned.

I have to say my favorite part of the video is when she asks John McCain, Mitch McConnell, and a bunch of other asshole senators she’d never heard of before reading the cue card to "do their jobs." First off, the odds of an douche like Jim Inhofe listening to a word this woman has to say are less than zero. There’s a better chance that he’ll come out of the closet himself than take her stupid advice. Second, "do your job?" Why doesn’t Lady Gaga focus on doing her job, which as best I can tell, consists of being a giant attention whore and acting like a total asshole at Yankee’s games. Who the f*ck is she to tell anyone what to do?

"I’m here to be a voice of my generation. Not the generation of the senators who are voting, but for the youth of this country, the generation that is affected by this law and whose children will be affected."

If she is a representative of the youth of this country, I am going to do everything in my power to accelerate global warming and nuclear proliferation. I’m going to castrate myself so that there is zero chance that I can accidentally have a child and it could become part of her deranged Gaga army. Honestly, "a voice of my generation?" Jesus Christ on a crutch! Is she the best they could do? Did we take a vote? When did this happen? Was T-Pain not available? What about that dude from the Old Spice commercials? He seems reasonable (and cute). If he asked me to call my senator, I’d probably do it, and then I’d buy some great smelling Old Spice products. She, on the other hand, makes me want to boycott Youtube just because she posted a video on it.

And what was with the bullshit phone call at the end? I know she’s pretentious, but god damn! She made us sit in silence for two minutes to listen to a "mail box is full" message. Couldn’t she have edited that out, or tried the number before calling? Was it suppose to inspire me? I don’t know about anyone else, but after watching her waste five minutes of her life calling her senator and coming up with absolutely nothing to show for it, I’m wasn’t exactly motivated to do my part. Now, I’m definitely not going to take time away from watching the new season of the "Apprentice" to call some douche in the senate. Thanks for showing us how futile the political process is, Lady G.

Sincerely,

Representative Barney Frank (D)