Great news for those of you who were hoping to see more of the Jersey Shore cast members on television! (I’m addressing you here because there’s no way I’d speak to you in real life.) MTV has green lit spinoffs for Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Paul “DJ Pauly D” Delvecchio and Jenni “JWOWW” Farley. Not sure what these spinoffs will entail because that info hasn’t been released yet, but in case MTV is in short supply of shitty ideas, we’d like to present them with a few pitches.
First of all, we want to focus on what made these particular characters so watchable and memorable. A lot of people would say it had everything to do with the train wreck factor, and I agree with those people. But we all know that even reality TV stars have to grow up and find their footing in the entertainment industry, which is particularly difficult when you have no quantifiable talent. So, keeping all that in mind, here are a few ideas we wanted to run by you folks.
1. Pauly D’s “Don’t Touch My F*ckin’ Hair” show
This one’s a little on the extreme side. It’s Pauly D, as you know him and love him, enduring viewer submitted challenges that attempt to ruin his signature quaff.
For example, in the first (and possibly last) episode, he attempts to ride a wheelie down the Jersey Turnpike WITHOUT A HELMET. In the second (and possibly last episode) he steps into a high speed batting cage, blindfolded, WITHOUT A HELMET! In the third (And hopefully last) episode, he just headbutts concrete objects, WITHOUT A HELMET!
I feel like it could really hang on to the Jackass lovers that MTV may still have. If it’s marketed properly, it’ll bring in a whole new group of thrill seekers and mouth breathers.
2. JWOWW’s “How To Maintain An Unhealthy Relationship”
Real simple talk format on this one. And the title is pretty self-explanatory. Basically, JWOWW is going to talk to other men and women about what she knows best, which is “hanging in there.” We all know the divorce rate is incredibly high in this country and today’s youth are becoming increasingly promiscuous. That’s probably due, in large part, to the fact that people don’t know how to tough it out. JWOWW should be seen as an example for this generation!
3. Snooki’s “Learning to Read!”
This is a show that we really feel could cover a few demographics here. We’re picturing a show that features a little orange monster and a puppet. In the show, we follow the little orange monster as she learns to read and deal with unwarranted fame and fortune. Each episode will be packed with messages of amorality and lessons in vanity. The puppet kind of plays the voice of reason that is constantly ignored by the little orange monster (Snooki).
So, there you have it. We hope you seriously consider our pitches. We’re just looking for a writer/executive producer credit on these shows so we’re not asking for a lot. Have your people call our people and we’ll do lunch!
Courtney Love & Muppet Sexual Assault
Playboy’s Big Dance March Madness Bracket Challenge
how about “JUICED” in the first episode ashton kutcher pretends to give the jersey shore cast their daily dose of steroids but instead of steroids its A.I.D.S. The rest of the season will them be slowly dying , rotting away while magic johnson laughs at them and beats the shit out of that mike guy
Imagining a format which has no sets, no highly paid or accomplished actors, immunity from entertainment worker strikes, and that takes advantage of a societal narcissism so pervasive that it was removed from the DSM, the entertainment industry found it inevitable that the caged animals of the 1990′s talk show formats would be released and migrate elsewhere following the Jenny Jones legal debacle.
Backed by rewritten legal contracts, camera crews braved the wilds of North America to film these animals in their natural habitat. Here, we witness a tranquilizer dart being driven into the deep flesh of Snooki’s ass by a member of a field research team. Later, she will be tagged, released, and monitored.