Great news for those of you who were hoping to see more of the Jersey Shore cast members on television! (I’m addressing you here because there’s no way I’d speak to you in real life.) MTV has green lit spinoffs for Nicole “Snooki” Polizzi, Paul “DJ Pauly D” Delvecchio and Jenni “JWOWW” Farley. Not sure what these spinoffs will entail because that info hasn’t been released yet, but in case MTV is in short supply of shitty ideas, we’d like to present them with a few pitches.
First of all, we want to focus on what made these particular characters so watchable and memorable. A lot of people would say it had everything to do with the train wreck factor, and I agree with those people. But we all know that even reality TV stars have to grow up and find their footing in the entertainment industry, which is particularly difficult when you have no quantifiable talent. So, keeping all that in mind, here are a few ideas we wanted to run by you folks.
1. Pauly D’s “Don’t Touch My F*ckin’ Hair” show
This one’s a little on the extreme side. It’s Pauly D, as you know him and love him, enduring viewer submitted challenges that attempt to ruin his signature quaff.
For example, in the first (and possibly last) episode, he attempts to ride a wheelie down the Jersey Turnpike WITHOUT A HELMET. In the second (and possibly last episode) he steps into a high speed batting cage, blindfolded, WITHOUT A HELMET! In the third (And hopefully last) episode, he just headbutts concrete objects, WITHOUT A HELMET!
I feel like it could really hang on to the Jackass lovers that MTV may still have. If it’s marketed properly, it’ll bring in a whole new group of thrill seekers and mouth breathers.
2. JWOWW’s “How To Maintain An Unhealthy Relationship”
Real simple talk format on this one. And the title is pretty self-explanatory. Basically, JWOWW is going to talk to other men and women about what she knows best, which is “hanging in there.” We all know the divorce rate is incredibly high in this country and today’s youth are becoming increasingly promiscuous. That’s probably due, in large part, to the fact that people don’t know how to tough it out. JWOWW should be seen as an example for this generation!
3. Snooki’s “Learning to Read!”
This is a show that we really feel could cover a few demographics here. We’re picturing a show that features a little orange monster and a puppet. In the show, we follow the little orange monster as she learns to read and deal with unwarranted fame and fortune. Each episode will be packed with messages of amorality and lessons in vanity. The puppet kind of plays the voice of reason that is constantly ignored by the little orange monster (Snooki).
So, there you have it. We hope you seriously consider our pitches. We’re just looking for a writer/executive producer credit on these shows so we’re not asking for a lot. Have your people call our people and we’ll do lunch!