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Hey Sixteen-Year-Old Reader, Justin Beiber Has a Better Life Than You!

Say what you want about his music, but when it comes to life, Justin Bieber’s winning.  At just sixteen years old, Bieber has already topped you. He’s had two chart-topping albums and a string of hot girlfriends. His awful, swooping, lego-man haircut has even become a fashion symbol.  And though he looks like he’s always standing with the wind at his side, he’s a sixteen-year-old boy with straight teeth, clear skin and a voice that doesn’t require auto-tune. His weird, sexual ambiguity even makes him super popular with lesbians.

You’re sixteen and you haven’t even seen a real live boob yet. And at the rate you’re going, you won’t until your sophomore year of college. You have acne. It’s bad. Your skin could be used to grease bearings, and in between each of your teeth, is a tooth-sized gap. You got braces, but that never helps, only hurts. You are afraid to talk to girls because you’re awkward and painfully unattractive.

You drive a shitty car, if you drive at all and maybe you’ve got a job. You’re probably a dishwasher at some horrible franchise in the mall and you live in your mom’s house. Oh sure, you’ve kissed one girl, but it was a nightmare. Your braces got locked together. You tried to seize the opportunity and round second base, but it only made her pull away harder. The damage is going to take thousands more of your parent’s dollars, and at least two more years of braces than you expected.

In your intense hormone-fueled frustration, you think being a little more like J.B. might make girls will pay attention to you. You tried to look a little more like him. You went to the barbershop. The barber, who’s been cutting your hair since you were three, said “How would you like it?” You showed him a picture of J.B. to which he replied “Who’s that girl? And why would you want your haircut like hers?”

You tried doing it yourself with some old clippers, aqua net and a hair dryer, but the results were horrific.

You heard that Justin Bieber was discovered after he posted some video of him singing online. You’ve tried posting videos online too, but the comments you received on your a cappella version of “That Should Be Me” got so many negative comments it sent you into a two month long depression.  You bought a cheap guitar and learned how to hack your way through Pink Floyd’s “Wish You Were Here”, but it’s too old for any girls your age to recognize.

Let’s be honest, right now things are looking bad. Bieber’s winning by a massive margin and you’re not gaining any traction. But you have to hang in there. The odds are in your favor that the acne will clear up, you’ll get taller and grow ball hair, etc. But Bieber’s peaking right now. You may not pull ahead for some time, and you may never be the object of Bieber’s intense jealousy, but you can always revel in his potential for massive failure. Be happy that you’re at the bottom, because that means you’ve got nowhere to go but up. Now get back to your WoW game. Those reputation points aren’t going to earn themselves!

4 Responses to "Hey Sixteen-Year-Old Reader, Justin Beiber Has a Better Life Than You!"

  1. DonkeyXote says:

    Welcome back HT!!! Now let me see those Sunday comics already!!!!!!