Hey Stage Moms, ARK Music Wants To Make The Internet Hate Your Daughters

So your kid’s talented enough to follow the Justin Bieber route, right? You can get a flip cam and a youtube account, film your kid singing, put it online and they’ll be discovered. I guess that could be the case, but if your kid can’t sing, you’re going to need some serious help. That’s where ARK Music Factory comes in. They’ve got the technology to make your daughter look she’s popping her underage ass through a Hype Williams video that would still pass the Disney censors.

First of all, if you don’t know what I’m referring to, check out Rebeca Black’s video for her song “Friday”. It’s the video that had everyone digging to figure out how the hell this got made, and why it looks and sounds like someone who knew what they were doing made it.

ARK Music Factory was the company behind Black’s video, and as it turns out, a shit ton of other videos featuring dolled up young girls singing awful lyrics through fancy studio equipment, and speaking as though they’ve already hit the big time. Because being a pop star is what you sing about when you sing pop music. Everybody knows that. Note Exhibit B:

ARK has a quite a few videos that all look and sound similar to what you just saw, so you don’t need to watch anymore. And honestly, if you wanted to watch more, you can probably just go ahead and turn yourself in now. I really don’t think these guys are wacko pedophiles, the only thing they’re molesting is bank accounts. It’d be easy to pin blame on Clarence Jey and Patrice Wilson, the dudes behind ARK, but really, it doesn’t belong on them. It belongs on the rich parents who are dishing out more money that I make in a year just for studio time and a video shoot for one song.

The pre-internet way of launching your kid into superstardom was incredibly difficult. You had to send your kid to a tanning salon, get their teeth whitened, buy them a new wardrobe, then move the whole family to Orlando so they could audition for Lou Pearlman (the creep responsible for N’SYNC, The Backstreet Boys, Aaron Carter, LFO and a few others). Pearlman mastered the boy band formula and made bajillions (estimated) of dollars. Once the internet came along, abhorrent stage parents saw an opportunity to skip the middle creep and go from living rooms to arenas with their not-so-talented kids. The only problem is, if your kid sings like a choking dog, you’ve got to make up for it with production value. Every good, rich parent knows that, and so do the guys from ARK Music Factory. Making a record and a music video that looks and sound like it belongs on TV and radio used to be an incredibly expensive venture, but thanks to the relatively inexpensive camera and some bitchin’ software available to the public, that’s not really the case anymore.

The real downside is, those videos of your unpracticed kids are being thrown out on to the web, to be viewed by millions in hopes that they may be “discovered”. With the previous route to discovery, the worst thing that could’ve happened was losing a few grand and some time spent auditioning. But now, your kids will endure severe internet-based ridicule and their youtube account will be like a video scrapbook chronicling your selfish parenting. I don’t blame the ARK guys for doing what they do, they’re just profiting from showbiz parents’ that are trying to live vicariously through their innocent kids, because without those people, they wouldn’t be in business.