You like Yogi, do you? Baloo? Winnie the Pooh? God, you’re asking for it, aren’t you? Cruising for a bruising. Hurtin’ for a squirtin’. The sad fact is for every cute, cuddly bear out there, there’s 1,000 that will rip off your head and shit down your neck. And then the cute, cuddly one will do it because there are no cute, cuddly bears, there are only wild animals with the physical capability of literally ripping your head off. The shitting in the neck thing probably wouldn’t happen for real, though. Imagine if it did? Oh man, that’d make it on this list for sure.
Most of us should be aware by now that bears present a fairly substantial danger. However, there’s far more to the fearful of than just stolen picnic baskets.
For most of your life you’ve probably been thinking “oh man, bears with ray guns would be awful” and that’s 100% true. Good thing they don’t have opposable thumbs or the cranial capacity to start developing 50’s era sci-fi weapons or we’d be a doomed race of meat sacks.
However, when you’re sitting in your bed at night at once relaxing because bears have no ray guns and becoming paranoid at the thought they might, you need to keep an eye on your car. Because bears will steal that thing. Oh yeah. Don’t even kid yourself.
In Colorado, where the state motto is “There’s No Good Reason to Not Store Peanut Butter Sandwiches in Your Car,” a PB filled car ran afoul of a hungry black bear who skillfully picked the door lock, or maybe just opened it because the owner wasn’t thinking of a bearjacking, and hopped inside. Since Toyota doesn’t make bear-sized captain’s chairs anymore, the bear got his ass stuck and, in a spazzy fit put the car in neutral and headed downhill into a tree.
The police had to come to free the bear, but we have to assume if not for the tree, the bear would have made it to Mexico with his peanut butter and set up an illicit life on a beach in Acapulco.
Bears and children have a long history. Teddy Ruxpin gave many of us nightmares, Winnie the Pooh reinforced obesity and functional retardation as an acceptable life choice and Gentle Ben ate a few, if the rumors are to be believed. And they are. But before all of that, there were teddy bears; cuddly and comforting and duping generations of us into thinking we could hug away a mauling. And now two worlds have collided.
Somewhere in the fierce wilds of New Hampshire, a black bear was likely plotting in its Acme-outfitted cave for many moons to pull off the heist of a lifetime. The plan? Enter a house through the unlocked door, eat some pears, drink from the fishbowl, then make off with a box of Goldfish crackers and a teddy bear. Fiendish.
Seriously though, this bear stole a teddy bear from a house. Now, cuteness aside, focus on the terror. That bear had to smell like the love of children. Of all the things in the house, this bear chose to make off with a child’s beloved toy in its jaws. That’s worse than taking the actual child, at least that could be chocked up to the perils of urban sprawl and deforestation. But taking a teddy bear? That’s a Saw style mindf*ck.
Ever since 9/11 you can’t swing Rudy Giuliani without hitting another paranoid traveler or bizarre bureaucratic rule meant to make our world more safe. But is our world more safe? Are all the bottles of shampoo you’ve had to hand over to airport security making a difference? The answer is hells to the no. Because none of us thought to check for bears.
Way off in America’s ass crack, what some call Alaska, a fisherman chartered a plane to take him to some out of the way fishing hole, the kind of place where horror movies and uncomfortable homoerotica are filmed. Foolishly the plane was left unattended and, like any extremist known to live in a network of caves, a bear made straight for the plane and tore it a new assholes. And planes aren’t supposed to have assholes. Not at all.
Fortunately this story has a happy ending, as the fisherman was able to repair the plane with duct tape. No, really.
Some of the best comedies ever are stoner comedies. Or at least stoner comedies are sometimes funny. F*ck it, man, Cheech and Chong were awesome and Harold and Kumar was pretty funny, too. And all four of those guys would have been pissed as hell if they’d heard of this bear.
In the primo weed fields of Utah, some pot pushing hippies were grooving out to their crazy scene, thumbing their noses at law enforcement as they fired up their bongs and got the munchies. But out in the woods nearby, Smokey’s close cousin Tokey had different plans. The bear raided the place, chewing up pipes, food containers and assorted other crap and scaring off the growers. When cops rolled in the place was abandoned except for almost 1,000 pot plants and some bear scratches. So watch your stash, man. Bears are looking for it.
It’s a known fact that polar bears are the cutest murderers on Earth, but that’s only because panda’s keep getting away with manslaughter. But their insufferable cuteness doesn’t end at smashing skulls and playing with beach balls, oh no. They’ll also try to hijack your boat. Look at this adorable photo.
That’s a bear trying to climb through a porthole and eat you. Not eat the photographer; you. Somewhere around Svalbard, which is a real place and not a location in Warcraft, a boat stopped by an ice floe to heat up some cauliflower soup. The bear smelled it and understood that the heating of cauliflower soup requires the involvement of delicious humans, so it did its best to climb on board the boat and destroy the humanity that dared to invade its icy domain. When it became clear it would eat no one as portholes are difficult passages for half ton behemoth’s to maneuver, it left. And it was precious the entire time.
This story is probably the best example of hilariously morbid you’ll read about all day, unless it happens that somewhere n the world a busload of clowns drives into a gas truck, or maybe Carrot Top gets AIDS. Anyway, at a Dutch zoo, a bear ate a monkey.
At no point in our limited research did we find a reasonable explanation for why monkeys and bears were close enough together for one to eat the other, but probably that’s how the Dutch roll. They don’t have time for separate enclosures or fencing or any of that shit. It’s all Dutch Elm disease and wild beasts tossed in a room together for them.
Visitors to the zoo got to stand and watch the odd scene play out, which probably looked cute for like 10 seconds or so until the horrible reality became clear. After that it was still kind of cool, but in a somber way.