Guest Editorial Written By Your Town’s Creepy Pervert Guy
Man, used to be I had to hop in my Beast Machine (my ’93 Corolla) and cruse around high school parking lots at around three’o’clock if I wanted to get an eye-load of primo high school chick raunchiness. But times, they seem to have changed some. Now, I can cruse the Facebook pages of high school chicks to get my daily dose of teens simulating sex acts with lollipops or pretending to do sexy things to each other after they’ve taken pictures of their private gatherings and posted them sexy suckers on to their profile pages. Good thing, too, ‘cause gas prices being what they are, trollin’ around in The Beast is getting too rich for my blood. Especially for someone like me, seeing as I am what I like to call “gainfully unemployed” – an occupation that gives me ample time to partake in a hobby I like to call “Professional Lady Gandering”.
See, some chicks from an Indiana high school had themselves a foxy sleepover. At this sleepover, these brave girls looked the male fantasy of an all-girl sleepover right in the eye and said “I’m going to live up to your lofty standards”…and so they did. These girls took all manner of semi-dirty sleepover pics, and then they posted them to Facebook. Their high school principal somehow found out about these hot, hot pics and promptly suspended the girls from participating in cheerleading and sports. How the principal discovered these pictures, I’m not sure. But I can only assume that he and I may have a certain hobby in common — one, perhaps, that’s aaaaall about gandering.
Long story short, an Indiana judge ruled that the pictures, “however questionable their wisdom or taste”, were federally protected speech. Thus, the girls, and, really, all high school girls, can keep on keepin’ on with their digital flesh parade, making dudes like me never have to leave the house to burrow our peepers in to their most private quasi-sexual shenanigans.
I can’t tell you how much easier this makes my life. For starters, most of these chicks don’t know shit about Facebook security. They ain’t got no clue how to lock their digital doors, so to speak. I can just barge in and gander all I like. In fact, some days I get a gander overload. There’s a vast sea of high school chicks out there postin’ pictures of themselves bein’ twelve kinds of nasty. These girls post these pictures willingly, totally expecting me and everyone that ganders at’em to think the gates of their slutittude have not been flung wide-open. We all know that ain’t the truth. And clearly, their parents don’t mind people like me popping my head in for a peek in to their daughter’s private life, seeing as they clearly ain’t doin’ that themselves.
Now, far be it from me to tell a parent what to do, but I would advise all parents to keep an eye on them Facebook pages and make sure them daughters of yours ain’t puttin’ up nasty pictures. If they ain’t postin’ them pictures, good for you. You done a good job. But if they are, well, send that little link to Manrod_ThePoonSlayer@netscape.net.