Hip Hop + Hollywood = a Lot of Gayness

You know how everyone is always like: “It’s a known fact that John Travolta is banging the stable boy!’ and “Tom Cruise does goats!” and “Robin Williams has man-threesomes, everybody knows that!” and “Rosie O’Donnell isn’t fat and likes dudes!” Well, I believe every story I hear and now I believe that every dude in the hip hop community is gayer than Perez Hilton.

Where’s your source material, you ask? Well, dear reader, there is a book that ‘came out’ (see what I did, there?) recently called Hiding in Hip Hop: On the Down Low in the Entertainment Industry , from Music to Hollywood, written by Terrance Dean, who used to produce something-or-other for MTV. I didn’t read any of it, even though it came out long enough ago for me to read it, but alas, I only read pictures. So, I keep seeing this ‘tell-all’ referenced in interviews and magazines almost everyday and decided to dig up some excerpts of an early review from gawker that claims there’s a lot of gayness in the Hollywood/hip hop world:

“There were two male celebrity actors standing a few feet in front of us. They didn’t notice us because the club was dark. Both men are young and very attractive and have starred in some comedic and dramatic films. One of the actors, “Junior,” is a tall, muscular, brown-skinned brother who got his start in television and is known for his comedic roles in films. He never married, but has a couple of children with a girlfriend. The other dark-skinned actor, “Fritz,” has been in a few movies and has starred in a popular television drama.”

“The lead was “Lucas,” who is a megastar. No matter what film project he was attached to it was bound to be a box office smash. In Hollywood, he is considered a golden boy and very bankable. However, there were already many rumors swirling about his sexuality, and even though he married, it was hard for him to shake those pesky gay rumors.”

Every day, Sandy says, Lucas’ friend “Kareem, a leading [married] sitcom actor,” visits his trailer, where they go inside and,everyone believes,have sex. Dean also says that Lucas runs with a circle of high-level superstar down low types. He later meets Lucas again and finds him to be “smooth, charismatic, and charming,” and his wife even brings goodies to the film crew.

First, “Kareem” is an awesome fake name. Second, I think I told my African-American barber to keep my discount on the “low-down” and I guess it’s “down-low”, so I feel really white right now. Anyway, the book is apparently filled with more fake names and I must say, this is a huge relief for me as a writer. I’ve been writing a tell-all book, too, and I was concerned about the legal ramifications of using real names, so I gave them all fake names. What’s that? Yeah, I do have an excerpt or two:

“I attended this Hollywood party and there were two major Hollywood actresses there. Within minutes, “Smarlet Romanssen” and “Hegan Box” both asked me to enjoy a three-way with them. I did. It was pretty sweet.”

“I was ordering coffee today when a major supermodel, “Mindy Lawford”, approached me in line and asked if she could give me an HJ in the restroom. I allowed her to perform this action, then reordered my non-fat soy latte because my previous one had gotten cold during the HJ.”

“I was rolling in my 5.0 today and a major singing star, “Celine Dion”, pulled up beside me and asked for me to come back to her hotel room for some kinky activities. I declined because I hate her music and she has a weird nose.”